Come on and Get Your Overdose

Edit: in the end, getting out of bed and farting around online did stave off the panic attack. The thoughts below, however, are still accurate.

In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.

I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.

Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.

In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.

This didn't really help.

Riverdale Municipal Court doesn't do payment plans, so I have to mail a check for $130.00 tomorrow. Never mind that the ticket (expired inspection) was issued the day I got laid off.

So, my theory is that the state unemployment board intentionally drags out payment of benefits as long as possible in the hope that the filer will get frustrated and give up.

Well, I'm frustrated but I haven't been hired yet.

I'm thinking of all the issues I need to go over with a therapist. Anxiety, depression, bad conditioning...things I can recognize, but can't seem to overcome by myself. I have the support of my friends, family, and incredible boyfriend to help me get through these things, but what I really want is to overcome them. I think regaining my confidence is key, but I can't think how to do that. Remember confident me? I do. I remember what life was like when I didn't stop to wonder if people wanted to hear me sing, I just sang because I wanted to. I remember not being afraid to talk to people. And I remember not being afraid to be alone.

See, that's the worst part, the part I really hate. I cannot, cannot feel secure in the idea that no, everyone in my life will not just up and leave me one day, no matter how hard I try to be extra good, and no matter how much that fear drives me to BE extra good. It is a self-repairing issue, though. I want to stop with the crazy so I don't drive people away, so as as soon as I can afford it I'm going to hunt down a therapist I can work with, deal with the crazy, and overcome this fear.

I really need to recondition myself so that happiness and anxiety are no longer in direct correlation...that is to say that right now, the happier I am, the more afraid I am of losing that happiness. It's a toxic mindset, and it's been the force behind my self-sabotage for a few years now.

I will not let this conquer me. I can see it now, and take steps to stop the chain reaction before it begins. That will do until I can do more. And I will correct this. It's only a matter of time.

There is a massive crack along the bottom of my windshield.

Shoot me.

If I were my cat, I wouldn't have to worry about the ice storm outside my window. I wouldn't have to get up for work in a little while, so the noise of it waking me up would be no big deal. And I wouldn't have a car with old windshield wiper blades and two old tires to worry about driving in it. Or hoping that by the time I get to my car, the ice will have melted off. And worrying that it won't. Or wondering where the money is going to come from to pay for new tires and wiper blades. My godmother sent me money as an early Xmas present--money that I used to pay rent, and bills, and buy food, gas, groceries, prescription cat food, birth control, and Xmas presents. So it's all gone, and all I bought myself was three books. And the sample project for my brother is taking forever because the cold and the dark of this time of year keep knocking me out and wearing me out, so I have to go to bed early or I don't have the energy for my day job. So there really is no clear sign of where this money is going to come from.

If I were my cat right now, I wouldn't have to worry about that.

If Jason was here in bed with me, his presence would have kept me from waking up and worrying about all this ice. And if I were my cat, my world would revolve around the lady who gives me food and keeps me safe, and I wouldn't miss him as painfully as I do right now.

Temping sucks.

Fuckin' pop.

I think I just found Bianca.