Come on and Get Your Overdose

Things I did last night:

Helped Jay with his laundry. Made and ate Russian eggs benny (Jay did the eggs, so it was a cooperative effort). Now I'm out of capers and caviar and will have to find new. Set up my edibles on the deck, while Flap lounged next to me. He's liking his little safe patch of outside. Played WoW.

Tonight: 2 kinds of tortelloni (yes, oni not ini), spinach/herb and artichoke, with goat cheese pesto (I'm out of parmesan and not shopping again this week. This is how discoveries happen.) Playing more WoW. Meeting cullyn above Achindoun to smash some pixels together.

Bored at work. Out of here in 20 minutes. My back seriously needs work. My last free days in October are being snapped up in a hurry. And I have groceries to buy. Huh, how normal.

So what would YOU put on a T shirt?

http://www.cafepress.com/squiggly

I've been borrowing Jay's car for the past couple of days while he carpools with a coworker who lives in our complex. I had to get my brakes done: front & rear brakes & rotors, and rear calipers. And yet, it's the cheapest brake job I've ever had done. I question the honesty of north Jersey mechanics.

So, I've been reading www.crazyauntpurl.com lately, and beyond making me want to learn to knit, it's made me want to figure out how I became such an angry person. I carry it around with me and it gets in the way sometimes. And of course it's not just one event, it's lots of them, and bad timing, and people hurting my feelings and breaking my trust. But one thing among them is standing out at the moment, so I thought I might get it out.

( Marc H. )

BUT! I'm taking Heather to the Faire tomorrow! So you know that means pictures. AND I caught up on paying down my student loan this morning.



This song always makes me nostalgic for the nomad days:

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said we'd send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came

Now we're back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

"Walk On the Ocean"--Toad the Wet Sprocket

I was sick yesterday with the heartburn that ate Tokyo, and I figured continuing the sleep deprivation of the last few weeks would only make it worse, so I stayed home and slept till 2:30 or so. Then I got the Burning Crusade (finally), so should I want to, I can make a Drannei. I soloed King Mukla in Booty Bay and made level 43, then decided my headache was bad enough and signed out. I really need new glasses. Spent the evening snuggled with Jay and watching Burn Notice, then took some Benadryl and went to bed early.

I'm currently reading The King's Grace, because everyone who reads Elizabethan fiction eventually moves on to Henrician.

Rewind to Sunday:
Breakfast with Jay and Melissa at the country diner. Maybe I shouldn't have had the potato pancakes? But they were so good!
Jay and I returned fatherdog's car to his house, then drove up to Waldwick for the mass family birthday party. Thanks to turnpike traffic, I missed my mom's cousin OC (Owen Charles). Still had a nice time with the family, and Jay cut through all the Dell bs to get my aunt's internet and wireless printer up and running. I cook, he networks. We are useful couple!
We stopped by Wanaque to pick up some more stuff from the apartment, but it was 8 PM and I was exhausted, so we didn't get as much as we could have. Picked up my lil coffee pot, though. Now I just have to get some white vinegar to clean it.
Also, Sunday was my birthday. I am officially 29 and proud of it. Thank you everyone who wished me a happy. Got a couple of nice lil prezzies, but more importantly, people kind of made a fuss about me. I like fusses when they're happy.

Saturday:
Got up around 10 to drive out to Clinton for an 11:30 oil change...which the owner never bothered to inform his mechanics that he had scheduled, so let me tell you, they were THRILLED to see me 30 minutes before close. But, it got done. Then we went over to WalMart and got a couple of camp chairs, and stopped for sushi lunch before going home to shower and play video games.
Melissa came by around 4 and we hung out till Dave showed up around 6, and then we went to Ewing for a Bear Tavern party & BBQ. It was madness on par with the usual. Objects of interest were a cute baby, a broken rusty trampoline, a pair of agitated mini schnauzers, a moth, cookies, Dancing Bill, and a pile of cushions on the floor. I laughed till I hurt, which in retrospect may have contributed to the evil, evil heartburn, but fsck it. Also, if you own hentai and get married, your spouse now also owns hentai and needs to accept that. Photos/video if I get them.
Got to see Aaron before he moved away to Seattle, so that was bittersweet.
fatherdog got drunker than I've seen him since college, so after putting some water in him, we decided to drive him home and call it a night.

Friday:
Went to the Red Rooster Grill in Flemington with Jay and had a lovely fancy-pants dinner. The place is Zagat rated Excellent. Om nom a nom nom. Then we went to see Potter. I understand why the detractors don't like it, but honestly I was perfectly satisfied. There is also already some good fan-parody out about it. It is kinda weird how ripped Rupert Grint is. His biceps are as big as my head.

Tonight's plan is to visit with Travis and Kelly for a bit, and give Kelly some of Flap's extra things that Jay and I don't need anymore now that the kitty has only one home.

I'm hosting Mother's Day. It's not a huge amount of work to get the place cleaned up and get the food made; I just have to be here to DO IT. I'm not sure what exactly she said that made me go, "I'll do it!" but there must have been something...

Got my tax refund. Once I deposit that mofo, I can get caught up on some things.

The world does not suck.

Also added two adorable videos of Mudflap attacking my feet.

1) I have a job interview on Tuesday!

2) I got a free upgrade for my phone. I now have my first ever camera phone.

I'm thinking of all the issues I need to go over with a therapist. Anxiety, depression, bad conditioning...things I can recognize, but can't seem to overcome by myself. I have the support of my friends, family, and incredible boyfriend to help me get through these things, but what I really want is to overcome them. I think regaining my confidence is key, but I can't think how to do that. Remember confident me? I do. I remember what life was like when I didn't stop to wonder if people wanted to hear me sing, I just sang because I wanted to. I remember not being afraid to talk to people. And I remember not being afraid to be alone.

See, that's the worst part, the part I really hate. I cannot, cannot feel secure in the idea that no, everyone in my life will not just up and leave me one day, no matter how hard I try to be extra good, and no matter how much that fear drives me to BE extra good. It is a self-repairing issue, though. I want to stop with the crazy so I don't drive people away, so as as soon as I can afford it I'm going to hunt down a therapist I can work with, deal with the crazy, and overcome this fear.

I really need to recondition myself so that happiness and anxiety are no longer in direct correlation...that is to say that right now, the happier I am, the more afraid I am of losing that happiness. It's a toxic mindset, and it's been the force behind my self-sabotage for a few years now.

I will not let this conquer me. I can see it now, and take steps to stop the chain reaction before it begins. That will do until I can do more. And I will correct this. It's only a matter of time.

But it's not over. Two more weeks. So very, very tired. I would very much like a day off where I don't actually have to DO anything.