Come on and Get Your Overdose

My life has been in a state of, "now what?" for a while. I've escaped the horrible period when I didn't know how I was going to make ends meet. So long as I don't screw up my job, I seem to be on track to remain stable and secure, even if I don't particularly enjoy the work and the hours are crappy. I'm not rich by any means, but my needs are met.
So I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't want a relationship, I don't want another pet ever, and I don't have much energy. Just another 40-something years of time to fill.
I'm okay. I'm not distressed or in need of any kind of help. Just trying to figure out how to traverse the vast expanse of the rest of my life. If you also have a case of, "now what?" well, sláinte, we're in this together.

And here I thought it only happened to me. Link roundup:

https://www.swiftriver.com/identify-opioid-abuse-in-your-partner/

Sarasota, 2009: https://www.heraldtribune.com/news/20090403/husband-is-stealing-his-wifes-pills

Fairview, 2009: https://www.ksl.com/article/8705497/man-suspected-of-killing-wife-stealing-her-medication

Billings, 2017: https://billingsgazette.com/news/state-and-regional/crime-and-courts/man-charged-with-stealing-selling-wifes-pain-medication/article_a756f862-68f2-5738-93e2-c43f5a17e0a5.html

Just think how often it must go unreported.

It started as this text post:

https://galactic-cephalopod.tumblr.com/post/140364194878/how-to-care-for-a-sad-person

This artist: https://www.instagram.com/yachi_chan/?hl=en illustrated it as a comic. As you can see, the comic is not on her IG. With the number of times it's been stolen, I don't blame her.

This is how it usually gets "credited" https://www.neatorama.com/2016/04/17/How-To-Care-For-A-Sad-Person/

And now we know.

Until the violent are entirely rooted out of power, violence will be the only way to force even the mere acknowledgement of the victims of the powerful.

One killer cop charged with 3rd degree murder is not enough. It's a placation.

You know...I know my flaws. I struggle with the emotional complications of ADD and post traumatic stress. I'm not an inspiring victim. I cry a lot. There are a lot of days I don't have the energy to shower. I'm not athletic. I have poor stamina and not much in the way of hand/eye coordination. I'm not the best at any of my talents. I often lack motivation entirely. I can't play any instruments with competence, because I don't practice. But I also know my merits. I'm a damn good writer, and a good enough performance singer to move people. I can sketch passably well, and I take decent documentary photos and video. I'm remarkably organized, I'm very, very good at my job, and I've got most people I know beat for resilience. I generally understand people and can usually see the big picture as well as a few moves ahead. I'm supporting myself and an elderly cat with health issues on less than half of what most of my friends earn. So...I like myself, I like my art, and I feel no compunctions about asserting my value. My work is good and so am I. I AM an artist, and I like my art.
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Maybe it's just that I don't seek perfection. I see the flaws in my work, but I don't hate it for their presence. Perfection is impossible and a waste of time. People surrender their entire voices to it. I'm good; I don't need perfect.
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Or maybe it's that people get inundated with enforced false modesty and shame and are told that those are humility. When you examine the idea of pride as a sin more deeply, it becomes apparent that pride is never what they're talking about. Arrogance and hubris are sins. Pride - honest happiness in one's positive attributes or in a job well done - can't be a sin. If it were, then by extension, only self-loathing could be good. How many kids grow up hating themselves because they are just culturally indoctrinated to do so? The words say "love yourself" but the actions say "don't," and then we guilt people for learning the "wrong" message. Fuck that. Love yourself. Love your art. And if you can't do those things yet, allow yourself to take the steps that will let you learn. Anyone who says you're not allowed to feel simple, honest pride in your accomplishments - in your progress - is lying to you and frankly, trying to hurt you.
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"That kid's getting too big for his britches." Yeah, fucker, because he's GROWING. Maybe instead of trying to cut him down, help him make some bigger goddamn britches.
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Yeah I honestly do take personal offence to the idea that all artists are *supposed* to hate their work. Nah man. That's a thing that can happen, and people have their reasons, and there's always plenty that gets scrapped and kept from publication. But damn it, if I put work out there to share, it's because I LIKE it. Why would I inflict something I didn't like on my friends? Who has the audacity to try to sell writing that they don't like themselves? That makes no sense.
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I'm not saying I assume that everyone is going to like my work. Of course that won't happen. Taste is subjective. But I haven't spent 29 years writing to produce garbage.
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Response from my friend: "As much as I hate to be on the other side, I know full well why I don't like most of my work. I know that I should be able to do much better by now. Some of that is instilled in me by society, with the idea that I should be further along with my skills with the classes that I took in college and what my parents paid for. I also know that I am not always a good judge of whether my work is good enough or not, which is why I share things, even if they are just okay in my opinion. All that being said, big props to you for getting past all of that and liking your own work."

My reply to him: "I'm not saying you can't dislike your work. I'm saying the cultural push to do so is wrong and harmful to growing artists. It's there when kids are taught it's bad to be proud of themselves (instead of it's bad to be boastful or arrogant). It's there when people in positions of trust and authority abuse their power and break kids down *instead* of teaching them. It's there when a parent or teacher resents a kid for their ability and fails to nurture it.
There's plenty of my work that I don't like because it isn't good. There are drawings and poems I don't share, and songs I don't sing. But I can tell what's wrong and do better next time, and there's plenty of my work I like because it is good. I have learned how to to honestly assess it, in large part because I am a stubborn, willful, obstinate, defiant brat who managed to resist all the bad shit until I could get to real teachers who focused on their students instead of their disappointments.
So if you're just not sure and you don't want to share a piece, reach out to an artist in that medium that you know and trust to honestly critique and give you meaningful feedback. You are talented and you've put a lifetime of work into developing that talent into something, and you have every right to enjoy pride in a job well done."
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The whole concept of the tortured artist destroying masterworks maddens me - they're tortured because they've *been tortured.* That doesn't go away on its own. People need to know that what's been done to them is 1) not okay and 2) correctable. Because why would anyone try if they didn't know it could get better?
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I just really don't want to see any form of self-rejection praised, let alone normalized. People shouldn't be taught that they're not supposed to like themselves or the things they're good at. There's a lot we can't do about it - but we can choose not to model it. There's a big difference between "I'm struggling with this piece," and "I hate my art why do I do this?"
When we catch ourselves at that second one, that's time to stop and think and drill down to what's really going on.
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I can't count how many times I've flung a notebook across the room and cried a bit, and then realized oh shit I haven't eaten in like 10 hours and I'm thirsty and exhausted and hell, the whole reason I'm art-ing is because I had a terrible day and I'm trying to deal with it.
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So many artists preach radical compassion, but forget to show it to themselves.
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Sometimes what I do is ask myself, what would I think if it was my niece's work?

I'm tattooed in a lot of places. The truth is that the experience is different for everyone. For me, most of them hurt, and I don't like pain. But I love having tattoos more than I dislike pain, so I have many and will hopefully have many more. My observations:
The little tattoo just left of my sternum, in a spot that is still much skin and little meat, hurt zero. It was my third and I was utterly shocked at the total lack of pain.
My right forearm didn't hurt much. Some of that was mitigation because I could see what was happening.
My biceps hurt, but they were much later in my experience and I was able to just zone out. Except for the nightshade because my artist decided to have the Archer cartoon playing, so I was trying very hard not to laugh and shake my arm.
The ones over my kidneys hurt like OH MY GOD. They were my first two and so I expected all subsequent ones to hurt. I think this helped to set my understanding of what I could commit to.
So far, I have been tattooed on only 3 placed that hurt worse than a dental planing and scaling: over the very edges of my shoulder blades, smack over the middle of my spine, and over my sciatic nerve. The spine made me see white for a second.
Every second of hurt was worth it. My tattoos are beautiful and I love them. I started when I was 18 which means I've been tattooed for my of my life than I haven't, and I am so, so glad.
And thank you again and always to Dutch Cooke and to Chuk at The Mighty Horseman Tattoo co. for decorating my temple so beautifully.
Tattoos are art and if they are right for you, then they are worth every penny and every second of pain.

Everyone will die someday. When I die, give me the cheapest cremation funeral possible and throw a big party, instead of spending $11,000.00 to stick me in a fancy box so I can leak formaldehyde into the ground. A bios urn would be nice too, if possible.

ADHD meltdown:
https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/adhd/how-to-deal-with-adhd-meltdowns-in-adults

General mental health self care
https://utmsu.ca/self-care-checklist/

Major mental health self care
http://i.imgur.com/pTsqcrw.jpg

PTSD
https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/ptsd/how-to-cope-with-ptsd-related-anxiety
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2016/02/ptsd-recovery-using-grounding-techniques-to-combat-anxiety/
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2018/10/emotional-flashbacks-in-complex-ptsd

A University of Albany study found that 30.6 percent of neglected children met diagnostic standards for lifetime post-traumatic stress disorder.
https://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/children-s-health-10/child-development-news-124/child-neglect-648566.html

Talking about a problem will unnecessarily burden other people.
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/10-things-emotionally-neglected-kids-204000096.html

Many times, parents who are neglectful also use shame and humiliation when the child attempts to get their love and approval. The child may eventually stop trying, and the loneliness that follows may actually be easier to deal with than shame, humiliation, or neglect.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201708/the-long-term-impact-neglectful-parents

Since you believe you can’t trust others, the only logical conclusion that follows from it is that you can only rely on yourself.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2018/04/8-neglect-effects/

In today’s world, we are thankfully highly aware of the devastating effects of childhood trauma and mistreatment upon adult health and happiness. But we have overlooked emotional neglect.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect-the-fatal-flaw/

"We might try to...attach ourselves to people who remind us those who hurt us and fix them as a way of vicariously repairing our damaged parents"
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201303/overcoming-the-pain-childhood-abuse-and-neglect

“Numbing out” or being cut off from one’s feelings
Feeling like there’s something missing, but not being sure what it is
Feeling hollow inside
Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165

These tendencies can make you more susceptible to being taken advantage of, as people who like to take without reciprocation or otherwise exploit others are drawn to people who are generous and have poor boundaries.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2017/07/effects-of-controlling-upbringing/

A tragic number of children have been raised to practice self-sacrifice and self-erasure in order to meet the needs of others, mainly their primary caregivers.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2018/04/learned-self-erasure/

All these beliefs, unmet needs, emotions, and behaviors remain. All this unprocessed rage, hurt, sadness, loneliness, betrayal, and fear is still there. Sometimes they even become worse because of other experiences and relationships that the person encounters along the way. The hurt tends to pile up, the beliefs tend to become stronger, the behaviors tend to become more automatic, more “natural,” and more unconscious.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2017/10/childhood-abuse-and-self-abuse/