Marking time
Jan. 16th, 2009 04:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holly_evolvingEdit: in the end, getting out of bed and farting around online did stave off the panic attack. The thoughts below, however, are still accurate.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 07:56 pm (UTC)Been there, live it currently. I feel and validate your pain. You can always call me if you need to talk. I'm here for you. Not the same, but hey, it's a voice and someone who does understand.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-16 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-17 02:38 am (UTC)P.S. Don't you agree that "Irish Panic Attack" sounds like a delicious shot name?
no subject
Date: 2009-01-17 06:27 pm (UTC)Hrm, Irish Panic Attack. The first thing that springs to mind is Baileys and Aftershock Red (cinnamon flavor).