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pessimism bug
Nov. 4th, 2009 09:52 amThe anxiety/pessimism thing for me is like a persistent cold. Anyone have anything nice to tell me about?
I'm in a completely rotten mood, and I'm not really sure why. Hormones, maybe. Feeling...cranky, irritable...I think I need a bit of the old princess treatment. But hey, payday. Getting sweats so I don't have to shave before going to the gym.
That's not terribly princess-y, though.
That's not terribly princess-y, though.
(no subject)
May. 7th, 2009 07:41 amThis weather is really getting to me. Rain, rain, rain...and me with no seratonin to spare.
(no subject)
Apr. 6th, 2009 05:56 pmI seem to be lacking teleportation powers. I must work to correct this.
(no subject)
Apr. 2nd, 2009 07:56 amApril showers bring May flowers: the platitude for the seasonally affected. I don't want to wait another month; I need sun and warmth now. I wish Mother Nature would remember that this is not Seattle.
This didn't affect me at all when I was younger.
This didn't affect me at all when I was younger.
Marking time
Jan. 16th, 2009 04:00 amEdit: in the end, getting out of bed and farting around online did stave off the panic attack. The thoughts below, however, are still accurate.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
Just got off the phone with the Newark office (the hold message went from an hour wait to 10 minutes wait, and then kept me waiting for 2 minutes. Hmm...). The delay had nothing to do with me wanting to go to grad school (online! more programs should be online. Not like, med school, but things like Lit and Comp Sci). No, it was because they didn't have a record of my earnings from my last week at work. Which they didn't ask me about when I filed. Whatever, it's done now and I should have my check by Tuesday.
The system needs so much streamlining it's retarded.
The system needs so much streamlining it's retarded.
Have you ever gotten a lot done, and been really proud of yourself, and wanted to share it with someone, only to find that they were too busy to listen to you?
That happened to me today. I hate being a grownup on days like this. See, I know that being a grownup means that when you do things well, chances are that no one will notice or care. And that sucks.
I worked really hard today, both at work and at home. I want some gold stars, dammit!
This feels about right.
moar funny pictures
That happened to me today. I hate being a grownup on days like this. See, I know that being a grownup means that when you do things well, chances are that no one will notice or care. And that sucks.
I worked really hard today, both at work and at home. I want some gold stars, dammit!
This feels about right.
moar funny pictures
(no subject)
Nov. 25th, 2008 12:02 amHamstrung always by the fear of failure. Never pursuing anything to conclusion. I could have learned to play piano or guitar, but now I can afford neither instrument nor lessons. I could have published, but I am too afraid that someone will laugh. I never got beyond the coffee house or the SCA.
How is it that I have failed to become something spectacular? All this potential wasted. You know, I can't remember the last time I sang a song I'd written where anyone could hear. Mostly I sing while I'm washing the dishes. So many songs unheard. I have believed for a long time now that my star will burn out in silence and where no one can see.
So if you are making art, or music, or doing what you love, be proud, and be grateful, that you are not me.
How is it that I have failed to become something spectacular? All this potential wasted. You know, I can't remember the last time I sang a song I'd written where anyone could hear. Mostly I sing while I'm washing the dishes. So many songs unheard. I have believed for a long time now that my star will burn out in silence and where no one can see.
So if you are making art, or music, or doing what you love, be proud, and be grateful, that you are not me.
(no subject)
Nov. 20th, 2008 08:20 amhttp://www.theroot.com/id/48879?GT1=38002
So does this mean we still can't take religion out of politics?
I miss Clinton.
So does this mean we still can't take religion out of politics?
I miss Clinton.
You know what sucks?
Nov. 20th, 2008 08:13 amPutting on pants that used to fit, and finding them so tight as to look ridiculous.
Muffin top, indeed.
Muffin top, indeed.
Everything worth doing today could have been done from home, which would have saved me 105 miles of driving. And now I feel too crappy and disappointed to do the one thing I really wanted to do today.
On the other hand, my temp agency may have come through for me with a job...we'll see, they just called to see if I wanted them to forward my resume over. Duh. Isn't that what they're for?
I'm being snarky. I'm disappointed and lonely. Fuck you if you don't like it.
On the other hand, my temp agency may have come through for me with a job...we'll see, they just called to see if I wanted them to forward my resume over. Duh. Isn't that what they're for?
I'm being snarky. I'm disappointed and lonely. Fuck you if you don't like it.
