Brain Dump

[holly_evolving]

So what would YOU put on a T shirt?

http://www.cafepress.com/squiggly

I've been borrowing Jay's car for the past couple of days while he carpools with a coworker who lives in our complex. I had to get my brakes done: front & rear brakes & rotors, and rear calipers. And yet, it's the cheapest brake job I've ever had done. I question the honesty of north Jersey mechanics.

So, I've been reading www.crazyauntpurl.com lately, and beyond making me want to learn to knit, it's made me want to figure out how I became such an angry person. I carry it around with me and it gets in the way sometimes. And of course it's not just one event, it's lots of them, and bad timing, and people hurting my feelings and breaking my trust. But one thing among them is standing out at the moment, so I thought I might get it out.


I know it sounds weird, but I loved him, I really did. He was a lion for me exactly when I needed one.

For one Xmas, I put a beautiful dress pocket knife on layaway; I wanted to give it to my dad. It was a malpardue, about 6 inches opened, and the handle was mother of pearl inlaid with azurite. It belonged to my dad from the moment it was designed, and it's unique. But I wasn't going to be able to pay it off in time...until Marc gave me a gift certificate to the store as his present to me.

Then there was my first biopsy. He was so worried about me he took the day off work to spend with me when I got out. He cried. He was afraid I had cancer. Hell, I was afraid I had cancer. I didn't know my family history then, that pretty much all our women go through this at my age.

He helped me with so much. And I wasn't even upset when he passed me over for Amber. We were never really together to begin with, and she's...well, she's amazing. You know if you know her. Beautiful, talented, kind, NY art student, amazing voice. Who wouldn't love her?

So many nights he and I just sat together. He took me as his date to a wedding and a work Xmas party, because he liked that I could outclass the women his coworkers brought (his words, not mine). How could I not love that?

He was part of why those nomadic, poor, hungry months at the beginning of 2004 were so good, when I was just doing what I could to stay out of Fred's hair, trying not to be in the way.

We drifted apart, and after Amber, there was a very long relationship, and everything seemed fine. What makes me angry, then, is that all these memories are tainted with "and then..."

And then I had a month of massive personal tragedy, and I decided to put it all out there rather than keep silent about it and let people think I had just gone nuts. And he thought it was juicy gossip, entertainment. What the hell? What happened? What went wrong?

I'll never know. No answer could satisfy me.

And now I have to time share one of our closest friends with him, like we're divorced parents, because he can't even be civil to me, and I won't ever know why.

So yeah, I'm angry.


BUT! I'm taking Heather to the Faire tomorrow! So you know that means pictures. AND I caught up on paying down my student loan this morning.



This song always makes me nostalgic for the nomad days:

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone
And half and hour later we packed up our things
We said we'd send letters and all those little things
And they knew we were lying but they smiled just the same
It seemed they'd already forgotten we'd came

Now we're back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

"Walk On the Ocean"--Toad the Wet Sprocket

Comments

[liliane.livejournal.com]

My mom adores Crazy Aunt Purl, and I hear about it all the time. She's a smart cookie. We've gone on crazy housecleaning rampages because of her...

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

And I go on crazy braincleaning rampages.

[liliane.livejournal.com]

Heh. That's a great word. All sorts of fun images...