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So, I found an old journal (physical) entry from April 2005, one month after I moved in with Craig. Already problems were starting. He'd hurt me, and then I'd forgive him. How did I not see the end coming? How did I miss that he didn't love me? It's so obvious now, but then, I truly, truly had no clue. What a trusting fool.
An actual post
Feb. 8th, 2009 06:29 pmSo, I explained to Jay last night that I'm scared of moving in with him. It goes like this: once upon a time, I loved Craig and trusted him very much. Then, without warning, he dumped me and threw me out and I was homeless. Luckily for me, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
polyemtgirl and her man are very good people and they took me in. Still, it was incredibly traumatic for me, and it really rocked my faith in myself.
So now I've been with Jay for a year and a half, and I'm moving down here in July. Possibly sooner. And I love Jay and I trust him, and I don't forsee any problems. Just like before. I definitely WANT to move in with him, but this fear is real and I think only time will lessen it.
Jay is very understanding of this and all my other neuroses, and I'm really grateful for that.
I think I surprised him in that I understand that he is having some anxiety about it, too. For a little while now, he's lived on his own and done what he wanted with his home, and he didn't have to accommodate anyone. But before that, he had to build his life around what someone else wanted. I can imagine it must be very hard to have to go back to that, especially when the first time around ended badly.
I'm glad we're getting a two-bedroom place with an office. That way there's a room that's just his, and a room that's just mine, within a home that we have together. I think that's the best plan.
So that's where I'm at right now.
polyemtgirl and her man are very good people and they took me in. Still, it was incredibly traumatic for me, and it really rocked my faith in myself. So now I've been with Jay for a year and a half, and I'm moving down here in July. Possibly sooner. And I love Jay and I trust him, and I don't forsee any problems. Just like before. I definitely WANT to move in with him, but this fear is real and I think only time will lessen it.
Jay is very understanding of this and all my other neuroses, and I'm really grateful for that.
I think I surprised him in that I understand that he is having some anxiety about it, too. For a little while now, he's lived on his own and done what he wanted with his home, and he didn't have to accommodate anyone. But before that, he had to build his life around what someone else wanted. I can imagine it must be very hard to have to go back to that, especially when the first time around ended badly.
I'm glad we're getting a two-bedroom place with an office. That way there's a room that's just his, and a room that's just mine, within a home that we have together. I think that's the best plan.
So that's where I'm at right now.
Goodbye, you've been deleted
Jan. 12th, 2009 05:43 pmAnd did you think you were the best that I could do?
All these years later, all I feel is anger towards you
You lied to me and you made me feel like
No one could ever want me
But in the end I wouldn't be the one thing that you wanted
Mama's boy
Mama's pride and joy
Don't ever grow up
Don't ever get out
No woman's gonna love you like your Mama always could
Mama's boy
Never let it be said that I don't learn
All these years later, all I feel is anger towards you
You lied to me and you made me feel like
No one could ever want me
But in the end I wouldn't be the one thing that you wanted
Mama's boy
Mama's pride and joy
Don't ever grow up
Don't ever get out
No woman's gonna love you like your Mama always could
Mama's boy
Never let it be said that I don't learn
That felt good
Jan. 12th, 2009 04:53 pmI just deleted most of the images of my evil ex off my photobucket...except for where deleting him means deleting other people I want to keep.
