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holly_evolvingProspect:
Moving back home to mom's.
Reason:
Jobs not hiring me.
I feel like a total failure. I made it this far and now I have to go back. I'm in so much bad debt I'm starting at less than zero. My mom tells me it's not such a bad thing, she had to do it. That's the thing, though. She had to. I don't want to be like her. Not like that. I feel the distance between the two of us crumbling and I hate it.
It strikes me that of the four people who im-ed me, no one asked how I am. If they did, I'd tell them I didn't feel like talking right now. But they didn't.
I crave approval. I've always lived in my brother's shadow. He's this tall, handsome, successful person who was always good at sports and he had a lot of cool friends. He's really talented at everything he does. I guess when I was younger I acted out by being weird so my family would have to notice me as much as him. I never wanted to be in trouble, so I never did anything I couldn't get away with, but I was goth/punk/freaky and I did the poetry and arts thing. And I hooked up with whoever I could. Hey, they liked me, and that's what mattered then. It always felt like, my family would mold itself to my brother, but not to me. I hated being teased, but it was incessant. There were times when I got slapped for swearing, but my brother could get away with it. And I never resented him. I worshipped him. I still do, sort of.
For a while, when everything was going well in college, it felt like I could relax. Everyone did love me, and I didn't have to try. I just did my thing and this seemingly amazing person shone through. But then when I started having money problems, the self esteem shit acted up again. Now I don't know what my thing is anymore.
So now that I've failed utterly, I know it'll be talked about by people who I wish would just forget I existed between Mystic Realms events. And I know people I love and respect will feel bad for me. Guess which is worse?
This is why I try to avoid introspection.
Platypus
Moving back home to mom's.
Reason:
Jobs not hiring me.
I feel like a total failure. I made it this far and now I have to go back. I'm in so much bad debt I'm starting at less than zero. My mom tells me it's not such a bad thing, she had to do it. That's the thing, though. She had to. I don't want to be like her. Not like that. I feel the distance between the two of us crumbling and I hate it.
It strikes me that of the four people who im-ed me, no one asked how I am. If they did, I'd tell them I didn't feel like talking right now. But they didn't.
I crave approval. I've always lived in my brother's shadow. He's this tall, handsome, successful person who was always good at sports and he had a lot of cool friends. He's really talented at everything he does. I guess when I was younger I acted out by being weird so my family would have to notice me as much as him. I never wanted to be in trouble, so I never did anything I couldn't get away with, but I was goth/punk/freaky and I did the poetry and arts thing. And I hooked up with whoever I could. Hey, they liked me, and that's what mattered then. It always felt like, my family would mold itself to my brother, but not to me. I hated being teased, but it was incessant. There were times when I got slapped for swearing, but my brother could get away with it. And I never resented him. I worshipped him. I still do, sort of.
For a while, when everything was going well in college, it felt like I could relax. Everyone did love me, and I didn't have to try. I just did my thing and this seemingly amazing person shone through. But then when I started having money problems, the self esteem shit acted up again. Now I don't know what my thing is anymore.
So now that I've failed utterly, I know it'll be talked about by people who I wish would just forget I existed between Mystic Realms events. And I know people I love and respect will feel bad for me. Guess which is worse?
This is why I try to avoid introspection.
Platypus
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Harry Chapin
Date: 2004-04-13 07:01 am (UTC)Maybe that doesn't help, I don't know. The point is, things will get better, you're bound to find a job if you keep trying (unless Bush gets re-elected), and you have lots of friends abound to support you. Even Tevye said, "...If things are so bad, they can only get better!" And Yogi Berra said, "You should always go to other peoples' funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours." And the Angels said, "Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back." So there you have it.