Sorrow

[holly_evolving]

Prospect:
Moving back home to mom's.
Reason:
Jobs not hiring me.

I feel like a total failure. I made it this far and now I have to go back. I'm in so much bad debt I'm starting at less than zero. My mom tells me it's not such a bad thing, she had to do it. That's the thing, though. She had to. I don't want to be like her. Not like that. I feel the distance between the two of us crumbling and I hate it.

It strikes me that of the four people who im-ed me, no one asked how I am. If they did, I'd tell them I didn't feel like talking right now. But they didn't.

I crave approval. I've always lived in my brother's shadow. He's this tall, handsome, successful person who was always good at sports and he had a lot of cool friends. He's really talented at everything he does. I guess when I was younger I acted out by being weird so my family would have to notice me as much as him. I never wanted to be in trouble, so I never did anything I couldn't get away with, but I was goth/punk/freaky and I did the poetry and arts thing. And I hooked up with whoever I could. Hey, they liked me, and that's what mattered then. It always felt like, my family would mold itself to my brother, but not to me. I hated being teased, but it was incessant. There were times when I got slapped for swearing, but my brother could get away with it. And I never resented him. I worshipped him. I still do, sort of.
For a while, when everything was going well in college, it felt like I could relax. Everyone did love me, and I didn't have to try. I just did my thing and this seemingly amazing person shone through. But then when I started having money problems, the self esteem shit acted up again. Now I don't know what my thing is anymore.
So now that I've failed utterly, I know it'll be talked about by people who I wish would just forget I existed between Mystic Realms events. And I know people I love and respect will feel bad for me. Guess which is worse?

This is why I try to avoid introspection.

Platypus

Comments

[wolf-nd-shadows.livejournal.com]

I had graduated with honors from Rutgers University.
I went off and Spent two years doing development work in Africa
I came home to find out I was unemployable
The current Job market Sucks
In the Past 2 and a half years, I got fired froma job as an environemental activist (I wasn't able to bring in enough money fundraising) Spent a summer working as a Grunt in a garden Center, and spent a year doing volunteer work in Americorps (I can give you the contact info for the program in Paterson if you get desperate, they will be starting their recruiting this summer)
Most of the People I had worked with could not afford to have their own places and lived at their parents. I was driving to half a dozen states for job interviews and still found nothing. It wasn't until after 6 months of searching that I found my current job (and the job was open because of its huge turnover rate), and the only reason I could move out was because a generous friend had a spare room.
There is an old saying we used to pass around at my old camp:
"It matters not if you try and fail and try and fail again. What matters is if you try and fail and fail to try again."

better yet, my old chemistry teacher, Mr. Starrick, had a universal method for solving problems - The Starrick simplified Method (imaging this being said with a brooklyn accent):
"Look at what you got, and look at what you want to get. Dot the Gazinta (where one thing gazinta the other) and BAM!, you have your solution."
Aka, look at the skills and experience you have right now. Next think up the dream job or career you want for the future. Look at the the education and experience requirements. Now, form a plan to get that experience. You may have to go into the trenches to do your time as a grunt, but follow the plan, and you'll end up where you want to go.

As Lao Tzu once said: "This is what is menat by retreating a mile to gain an inch"

Harry Chapin

[neil1701e.livejournal.com]

First, I know that being a Chapin fan is far from cool, even in the folk-rock sense anymore, but I never claimed to be cool. Anyway, he wrote once, "All my life's a circle, sunrise to sundown. Moon rolls through the nighttime, till' the daybreak comes around."
Maybe that doesn't help, I don't know. The point is, things will get better, you're bound to find a job if you keep trying (unless Bush gets re-elected), and you have lots of friends abound to support you. Even Tevye said, "...If things are so bad, they can only get better!" And Yogi Berra said, "You should always go to other peoples' funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours." And the Angels said, "Hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back." So there you have it.