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holly_evolvingProspect:
Moving back home to mom's.
Reason:
Jobs not hiring me.
I feel like a total failure. I made it this far and now I have to go back. I'm in so much bad debt I'm starting at less than zero. My mom tells me it's not such a bad thing, she had to do it. That's the thing, though. She had to. I don't want to be like her. Not like that. I feel the distance between the two of us crumbling and I hate it.
It strikes me that of the four people who im-ed me, no one asked how I am. If they did, I'd tell them I didn't feel like talking right now. But they didn't.
I crave approval. I've always lived in my brother's shadow. He's this tall, handsome, successful person who was always good at sports and he had a lot of cool friends. He's really talented at everything he does. I guess when I was younger I acted out by being weird so my family would have to notice me as much as him. I never wanted to be in trouble, so I never did anything I couldn't get away with, but I was goth/punk/freaky and I did the poetry and arts thing. And I hooked up with whoever I could. Hey, they liked me, and that's what mattered then. It always felt like, my family would mold itself to my brother, but not to me. I hated being teased, but it was incessant. There were times when I got slapped for swearing, but my brother could get away with it. And I never resented him. I worshipped him. I still do, sort of.
For a while, when everything was going well in college, it felt like I could relax. Everyone did love me, and I didn't have to try. I just did my thing and this seemingly amazing person shone through. But then when I started having money problems, the self esteem shit acted up again. Now I don't know what my thing is anymore.
So now that I've failed utterly, I know it'll be talked about by people who I wish would just forget I existed between Mystic Realms events. And I know people I love and respect will feel bad for me. Guess which is worse?
This is why I try to avoid introspection.
Platypus
Moving back home to mom's.
Reason:
Jobs not hiring me.
I feel like a total failure. I made it this far and now I have to go back. I'm in so much bad debt I'm starting at less than zero. My mom tells me it's not such a bad thing, she had to do it. That's the thing, though. She had to. I don't want to be like her. Not like that. I feel the distance between the two of us crumbling and I hate it.
It strikes me that of the four people who im-ed me, no one asked how I am. If they did, I'd tell them I didn't feel like talking right now. But they didn't.
I crave approval. I've always lived in my brother's shadow. He's this tall, handsome, successful person who was always good at sports and he had a lot of cool friends. He's really talented at everything he does. I guess when I was younger I acted out by being weird so my family would have to notice me as much as him. I never wanted to be in trouble, so I never did anything I couldn't get away with, but I was goth/punk/freaky and I did the poetry and arts thing. And I hooked up with whoever I could. Hey, they liked me, and that's what mattered then. It always felt like, my family would mold itself to my brother, but not to me. I hated being teased, but it was incessant. There were times when I got slapped for swearing, but my brother could get away with it. And I never resented him. I worshipped him. I still do, sort of.
For a while, when everything was going well in college, it felt like I could relax. Everyone did love me, and I didn't have to try. I just did my thing and this seemingly amazing person shone through. But then when I started having money problems, the self esteem shit acted up again. Now I don't know what my thing is anymore.
So now that I've failed utterly, I know it'll be talked about by people who I wish would just forget I existed between Mystic Realms events. And I know people I love and respect will feel bad for me. Guess which is worse?
This is why I try to avoid introspection.
Platypus
