Seriousness
Mar. 31st, 2004 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holly_evolvingSo I have to work Saturday, which means there's not much point in me stopping by T&A war. I might on Sunday anyway, but Saturday night is all about Late October.
I wish I understood what happened. There were a bunch of really cool people that I got along with 2 years ago, and then all of a sudden they didn't seem to want me around. I don't know what I did. Then this past winter, for reasons I still haven't been told, people I thought really liked me and felt bad that that had happened to me did the exact same thing. It's not that I feel the need to be friends with any of them anymore--far from it, although in some cases it would be nice. I just want to know what the hell happened.
I get into these funks where it feels like no one has time for me. And then people wonder why I act surprised when they show any interest. My group of friends is constantly shifting because it's like I'm on a time share and they can't all care about my life at once. They have to take turns.
I've done a lot of thinking as to why I am the way I am nowadays, and while I certainly don't understand completely, this is what I've got so far:
I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line I lost the ability to view myself as other than a sex object. I can put on a really good show about how cool I am, but when it comes down to it, the only talents I've ever really developped were directly related to sex. I have trouble believing that other people see any value in me, and so I assume that they'll get bored with me eventually. I run away from relationships because I believe that the other person doesn't care. Or I get into relationships that I know won't work because people need help, and if I'm helping someone, then I'm valuable to them for something other than sex. I'm taking this time to be single to find out if there's more to me than that. I hope there is. I just have no idea what.
But this isn't always true. Sometimes I'm aware of the power I can have. I write real poetry...I just don't know why I stopped sharing it. I can be really kind, and funny, and insightful. I've had the priveledge of having some amazing experiences, and I've been able to relate them so that others can understand.
But lately I've just been living on the surface, not dealing with what's going on internally. Part of it is how burned I got the last time I opened up. Part of it, undoubtedly, is that I fear making others uncomfortable.
The truth is, there's a hole in my heart. I don't know what made it, but it's been there a long time. And no amout of love, or sex, or trust, or affection seems to be enough to close it. It just keeps bleeding. When I'm at my happiest, it still doesn't take much work to pull me down. I'm ready to feel bad.
Sometimes people think that the thing to do with me is to just be gentle and not say anything that they think might upset me. But I always know. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in, and I've gotten really good at judging when I have that perspective.
I don't know much of the truth in my life. I'm doing what I can to remedy that, but there's only so much I can do on my own. This is difficult for me to accept.
Platypus
I wish I understood what happened. There were a bunch of really cool people that I got along with 2 years ago, and then all of a sudden they didn't seem to want me around. I don't know what I did. Then this past winter, for reasons I still haven't been told, people I thought really liked me and felt bad that that had happened to me did the exact same thing. It's not that I feel the need to be friends with any of them anymore--far from it, although in some cases it would be nice. I just want to know what the hell happened.
I get into these funks where it feels like no one has time for me. And then people wonder why I act surprised when they show any interest. My group of friends is constantly shifting because it's like I'm on a time share and they can't all care about my life at once. They have to take turns.
I've done a lot of thinking as to why I am the way I am nowadays, and while I certainly don't understand completely, this is what I've got so far:
I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line I lost the ability to view myself as other than a sex object. I can put on a really good show about how cool I am, but when it comes down to it, the only talents I've ever really developped were directly related to sex. I have trouble believing that other people see any value in me, and so I assume that they'll get bored with me eventually. I run away from relationships because I believe that the other person doesn't care. Or I get into relationships that I know won't work because people need help, and if I'm helping someone, then I'm valuable to them for something other than sex. I'm taking this time to be single to find out if there's more to me than that. I hope there is. I just have no idea what.
But this isn't always true. Sometimes I'm aware of the power I can have. I write real poetry...I just don't know why I stopped sharing it. I can be really kind, and funny, and insightful. I've had the priveledge of having some amazing experiences, and I've been able to relate them so that others can understand.
But lately I've just been living on the surface, not dealing with what's going on internally. Part of it is how burned I got the last time I opened up. Part of it, undoubtedly, is that I fear making others uncomfortable.
The truth is, there's a hole in my heart. I don't know what made it, but it's been there a long time. And no amout of love, or sex, or trust, or affection seems to be enough to close it. It just keeps bleeding. When I'm at my happiest, it still doesn't take much work to pull me down. I'm ready to feel bad.
Sometimes people think that the thing to do with me is to just be gentle and not say anything that they think might upset me. But I always know. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in, and I've gotten really good at judging when I have that perspective.
I don't know much of the truth in my life. I'm doing what I can to remedy that, but there's only so much I can do on my own. This is difficult for me to accept.
Platypus
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:48 pm (UTC)Fortunatley, Promethius turned me into a cat, and I've been in a better mood since. Doesn't make anything less true...just less awful.
*hug*