Seriousness
Mar. 31st, 2004 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holly_evolvingSo I have to work Saturday, which means there's not much point in me stopping by T&A war. I might on Sunday anyway, but Saturday night is all about Late October.
I wish I understood what happened. There were a bunch of really cool people that I got along with 2 years ago, and then all of a sudden they didn't seem to want me around. I don't know what I did. Then this past winter, for reasons I still haven't been told, people I thought really liked me and felt bad that that had happened to me did the exact same thing. It's not that I feel the need to be friends with any of them anymore--far from it, although in some cases it would be nice. I just want to know what the hell happened.
I get into these funks where it feels like no one has time for me. And then people wonder why I act surprised when they show any interest. My group of friends is constantly shifting because it's like I'm on a time share and they can't all care about my life at once. They have to take turns.
I've done a lot of thinking as to why I am the way I am nowadays, and while I certainly don't understand completely, this is what I've got so far:
I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line I lost the ability to view myself as other than a sex object. I can put on a really good show about how cool I am, but when it comes down to it, the only talents I've ever really developped were directly related to sex. I have trouble believing that other people see any value in me, and so I assume that they'll get bored with me eventually. I run away from relationships because I believe that the other person doesn't care. Or I get into relationships that I know won't work because people need help, and if I'm helping someone, then I'm valuable to them for something other than sex. I'm taking this time to be single to find out if there's more to me than that. I hope there is. I just have no idea what.
But this isn't always true. Sometimes I'm aware of the power I can have. I write real poetry...I just don't know why I stopped sharing it. I can be really kind, and funny, and insightful. I've had the priveledge of having some amazing experiences, and I've been able to relate them so that others can understand.
But lately I've just been living on the surface, not dealing with what's going on internally. Part of it is how burned I got the last time I opened up. Part of it, undoubtedly, is that I fear making others uncomfortable.
The truth is, there's a hole in my heart. I don't know what made it, but it's been there a long time. And no amout of love, or sex, or trust, or affection seems to be enough to close it. It just keeps bleeding. When I'm at my happiest, it still doesn't take much work to pull me down. I'm ready to feel bad.
Sometimes people think that the thing to do with me is to just be gentle and not say anything that they think might upset me. But I always know. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in, and I've gotten really good at judging when I have that perspective.
I don't know much of the truth in my life. I'm doing what I can to remedy that, but there's only so much I can do on my own. This is difficult for me to accept.
Platypus
I wish I understood what happened. There were a bunch of really cool people that I got along with 2 years ago, and then all of a sudden they didn't seem to want me around. I don't know what I did. Then this past winter, for reasons I still haven't been told, people I thought really liked me and felt bad that that had happened to me did the exact same thing. It's not that I feel the need to be friends with any of them anymore--far from it, although in some cases it would be nice. I just want to know what the hell happened.
I get into these funks where it feels like no one has time for me. And then people wonder why I act surprised when they show any interest. My group of friends is constantly shifting because it's like I'm on a time share and they can't all care about my life at once. They have to take turns.
I've done a lot of thinking as to why I am the way I am nowadays, and while I certainly don't understand completely, this is what I've got so far:
I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the line I lost the ability to view myself as other than a sex object. I can put on a really good show about how cool I am, but when it comes down to it, the only talents I've ever really developped were directly related to sex. I have trouble believing that other people see any value in me, and so I assume that they'll get bored with me eventually. I run away from relationships because I believe that the other person doesn't care. Or I get into relationships that I know won't work because people need help, and if I'm helping someone, then I'm valuable to them for something other than sex. I'm taking this time to be single to find out if there's more to me than that. I hope there is. I just have no idea what.
But this isn't always true. Sometimes I'm aware of the power I can have. I write real poetry...I just don't know why I stopped sharing it. I can be really kind, and funny, and insightful. I've had the priveledge of having some amazing experiences, and I've been able to relate them so that others can understand.
But lately I've just been living on the surface, not dealing with what's going on internally. Part of it is how burned I got the last time I opened up. Part of it, undoubtedly, is that I fear making others uncomfortable.
The truth is, there's a hole in my heart. I don't know what made it, but it's been there a long time. And no amout of love, or sex, or trust, or affection seems to be enough to close it. It just keeps bleeding. When I'm at my happiest, it still doesn't take much work to pull me down. I'm ready to feel bad.
Sometimes people think that the thing to do with me is to just be gentle and not say anything that they think might upset me. But I always know. I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in, and I've gotten really good at judging when I have that perspective.
I don't know much of the truth in my life. I'm doing what I can to remedy that, but there's only so much I can do on my own. This is difficult for me to accept.
Platypus
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:29 pm (UTC)For instance, you are a passionate woman, and those passions aren't limited to sex. I remember you telling me how much you wanted the job at planned parenthood, I remember how vehemently you defended Sigfried and Roy (and the animal rights work they do) against some of the jokes I and others made about them on the pantherboards, and I've seen it in some of your journal rants.
Secondly, you have and interesting personality. Tarot, Neil Gaiman, the creation of a Shellie McBride (though I wonder how much of that was drawn from Gaiman's Delerium character), sushi, and the rest paint you as a very unique person.
And finally, there's the reason I've been searching you out a little more recently. It doesn't have anything to do with sexual intentions. It has a lot to do the fact that even though I've been quite elusive around you, you've kept trying to befriend me. The past two years have been quite turbulent for me with my readjustment into America, dealing with lost and changed relationships, being poisoned by gov. issue psychoactive drugs, etc. And even though I haven't been all that responsive, I have noticed that you've kept trying, and that does mean a lot, and says a lot about your character.
By the way, I'm sure you already know this, but the Major arcana (aka "Trump" cards") of the Tarot was also a lesson plan for spiritual growth. Each card represents a stage of development a person goes through. The 9th Trump card, if you'll remember (coming after the Lovers) is the Hermit, representing a period of pulling back and pulling away to think about things and reevaluate life. Pull it from you deck and meditate on it for a while, it may help
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 08:48 pm (UTC)Fortunatley, Promethius turned me into a cat, and I've been in a better mood since. Doesn't make anything less true...just less awful.
*hug*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 06:52 pm (UTC)You are soooo much more than you realize, do you know that? And in a really good way.
Having been down the road of "but I'm only worth something if I'm of use to someone else", I think you're on the way to getting over that particular hump. It's not easy, and it takes a damm long while. On the other hand, do you really want to live the alternative? Living for the happiness of others sounds really noble on paper. In practice it *sucks*. And you end up loosing yourself completely. Which sucks even more.
And you're right about nothing external closing that hole inside. Nothing external will ever fix that - it's got to come from the inside out. If I could find a less corny way of phrasing that, I would, but there it is. You have to find your center, your happy thought, whatever you want to call it, you build on *that*.
Ok, that was the deep stuff.
::More hugs::
Someday in the near future, I am going to have a real weekend day where I can do real weekend things (as opposed to working myself into an early grave) and I'm going to explain, at length, to you, all of your good and cuddly and glitteriffic points. 'kay?
For now, suffice it to say that you're on the A list. And you know me. I don't have much use for people in general. That's a damm short list you're on. Remember that.