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Jan. 16th, 2009
Marking time
Jan. 16th, 2009 04:00 amEdit: in the end, getting out of bed and farting around online did stave off the panic attack. The thoughts below, however, are still accurate.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.
I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.
Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.
In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.
This didn't really help.
Since I can't sleep
Jan. 16th, 2009 05:56 amI brushed Flap's teeth, which I forgot to do earlier. He's shown some improvement with the brushing, and more since he got switched to Hill's Prescription C/D. Good brand.
It's so cute how fast he forgives me for these things.
He's cooped up in my room with me. Bad boy's been picking on Zoe-pie-cat way too much since my roommate's been on vacation in Puerto Rico. His food, water, and preferred litter box (3 in the apt) are all in here anyway, so he's got all the necessaries. He will be set free later today. But he doesn't seem to mind in the least.
It's so cute how fast he forgives me for these things.
He's cooped up in my room with me. Bad boy's been picking on Zoe-pie-cat way too much since my roommate's been on vacation in Puerto Rico. His food, water, and preferred litter box (3 in the apt) are all in here anyway, so he's got all the necessaries. He will be set free later today. But he doesn't seem to mind in the least.
Year in Review meme
Jan. 16th, 2009 06:01 amJanuary-Alive and well.
February-I have food poisoning.
March-1.1 billion Indians can't be wrong?
April-Not going to bore y'all with the details, but I got to work on the two accounts I will be taking over.
May-You know, FICA takes more out of my pay that any other deduction.
June-Apartment is coming along.
July-The search continues.
August-LISTEN!
September-I feel weird.
October-Well, the pinched nerve/sprained muscle/whatever it is in my shoulder isn't any better.
November-My boyfriend is the kindest, most patient, most understanding man I have ever known.
December-I'm going to see They Might Be Giant's on New Year's Eve!!!
And then first thing in 2009, I got laid off.
February-I have food poisoning.
March-1.1 billion Indians can't be wrong?
April-Not going to bore y'all with the details, but I got to work on the two accounts I will be taking over.
May-You know, FICA takes more out of my pay that any other deduction.
June-Apartment is coming along.
July-The search continues.
August-LISTEN!
September-I feel weird.
October-Well, the pinched nerve/sprained muscle/whatever it is in my shoulder isn't any better.
November-My boyfriend is the kindest, most patient, most understanding man I have ever known.
December-I'm going to see They Might Be Giant's on New Year's Eve!!!
And then first thing in 2009, I got laid off.
All it takes
Jan. 16th, 2009 12:24 pmIs about five words from him, and I'm a functional human being again. This is one of the awesome things he does for me.