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Questioning the Answers
Jul. 5th, 2007 12:48 pmMuch of my life isn't real and never has been. Why? Why have I agreed to be other than myself? Who am I? What do I want?
I don't know.
Many of the elements of my life have come from trauma or sex...or both. They are reactions, and I've begun questioning them all. Some are worth keeping. Markland, for example, even though I only started because my boyfriend (Ryan Tanay, later my fiance and now ex-fiance for 6 years) was in OGL. I enjoy it and I've made good friends.
But what about--and this is huge, this is part of my identity--what about wanting children? Do I really? This pressure feels like a ticking clock...but is it from me? True, my mother went through early menopause. So what? My employment with Babies R Us ended less than 24 hours ago, and already the urge is diminished. I'm terribly sensitive to pheromones and I was so horribly lonely--is that all it was? Did I only need a new job and a cat? It's beginning to look that way. It's at least being put on the back burner. I'd like to have my own life before I even consider if I want children, and I've never had that.
I'm going to piss some people off. I'm going to alienate some people. You know what? That's okay. The important thing is that I finally get to know me. In nearly 27 years, I've never known if I was being myself or what other people wanted me to be. It's about damn time I found out.
I don't know.
Many of the elements of my life have come from trauma or sex...or both. They are reactions, and I've begun questioning them all. Some are worth keeping. Markland, for example, even though I only started because my boyfriend (Ryan Tanay, later my fiance and now ex-fiance for 6 years) was in OGL. I enjoy it and I've made good friends.
But what about--and this is huge, this is part of my identity--what about wanting children? Do I really? This pressure feels like a ticking clock...but is it from me? True, my mother went through early menopause. So what? My employment with Babies R Us ended less than 24 hours ago, and already the urge is diminished. I'm terribly sensitive to pheromones and I was so horribly lonely--is that all it was? Did I only need a new job and a cat? It's beginning to look that way. It's at least being put on the back burner. I'd like to have my own life before I even consider if I want children, and I've never had that.
I'm going to piss some people off. I'm going to alienate some people. You know what? That's okay. The important thing is that I finally get to know me. In nearly 27 years, I've never known if I was being myself or what other people wanted me to be. It's about damn time I found out.