Questioning the Answers

[holly_evolving]

Much of my life isn't real and never has been. Why? Why have I agreed to be other than myself? Who am I? What do I want?

I don't know.

Many of the elements of my life have come from trauma or sex...or both. They are reactions, and I've begun questioning them all. Some are worth keeping. Markland, for example, even though I only started because my boyfriend (Ryan Tanay, later my fiance and now ex-fiance for 6 years) was in OGL. I enjoy it and I've made good friends.

But what about--and this is huge, this is part of my identity--what about wanting children? Do I really? This pressure feels like a ticking clock...but is it from me? True, my mother went through early menopause. So what? My employment with Babies R Us ended less than 24 hours ago, and already the urge is diminished. I'm terribly sensitive to pheromones and I was so horribly lonely--is that all it was? Did I only need a new job and a cat? It's beginning to look that way. It's at least being put on the back burner. I'd like to have my own life before I even consider if I want children, and I've never had that.

I'm going to piss some people off. I'm going to alienate some people. You know what? That's okay. The important thing is that I finally get to know me. In nearly 27 years, I've never known if I was being myself or what other people wanted me to be. It's about damn time I found out.

Comments

[anisette-toast.livejournal.com]

I go through every couple of months / years with this same sort of self-analysis. I think it's quite healthy actually. I created a separate LJ just for my reflections (I haven't updated recently there, but it's brighidrevealed; if you friend that one, I'll add you - you're definitely on the list of folks who I don't mind reading and assisting with advice on that page!).

And... like you point out there - don't sweat it if you piss off or alienate some folks. Either, it's because you really need to for your own mental health or you just need to sort out who you are without others influence. I've done that too. And, in the end, those folks who really care about you, who are really true friends, will be waiting on the other side for you. :)

[jenn-girl.livejournal.com]

Good for you. If you do decide to parent, you will do it with a better understanding of what is best for you. I know I want to be a mom, and I know I am not ready for it yet. I need more time to be stable in myself so that when the time is right I can be the best parent to my children. You don't need to decide yet.

[vampire-scion.livejournal.com]

Dear L,

We are never who we think we are.

We are layered on the intrinsic memories of the past, which resonate though us like ripples on a pond-- the source of which we are likely to not consciously recognize, but the effects of which shape and mold our psyche and ultimately are emotions and thusly are decisions in life.

That is who we always are, and that is who we seldom know. We like to forget that which hurts us and bury the past in the now.

Now add to this the fact that we are always changing. Every experience shapes us and erodes us and reforms us by every second, every minute, every day, week, month, year. A good day here, a bad day there. The precise opposite of the wholeness of stuff we think we are that subtly but inexorably shifts and shapes us.

So, we are never quite who we think we are because we are always shifting, too. We are learning, growing creatures.

To try to quantify one's self is difficult. That kind of clarity requires soul searching and introspection that can take years of directed focus. We may be drawn to distraction because some truths are hard to face. Sex, drugs, alcohol are all obvious distractions. Some people develop mental mechanics to cope with difficulties, and that shapes us as well. Mine tools are avoidance via intellectualization and a compulsive personality.

So, we are never who we think we are because we are animals, who at essence, are machines.

Long ago I learned life doesn't come with a road map. No instructions or directions. Just certain imperatives and one's own will to guide them.

Moreover, the cosmos owes us nothing.

This is what I tend to do personally. This may work for you, or it may not, but here it is:
Try to find the good in life, and try to increase that good. Life your life with meaning you give it, and live it to the fullest. Remember each day you build, and try to look at yourself as you move along in life. When you look back, and you say to yourself "look how much I've grown, and how small these obstacles are now that I've overcome them"-- you are doing the right thing.

Take care, and travel on with a song in your heart and the future bright ahead of you.

Love,
J

P.S. Even if you are biologically incapable of having children because of menopause or whatnot-- there is always adoption.

P.P.S. I tend to ramble, don't I?

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

I think the most important thing for me right now is to look at the things in my life and ask myself: "Is this actually important to me?" It's time to clean house.

[r-u-b.livejournal.com]

do what you have to do. those that are still around when the dust settles will be with you for life...

Hugs

[junipers-rose.livejournal.com]

****HUGS*******