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Suddenly, it hit me
Jan. 16th, 2007 02:52 amLike a ton of bricks to the head. Normally, at this hour of the night, I'm thinking about something or other that completely depresses me and disposes me to hours of nightmares. I never confront myself about it. I just wallow in the pain and misery that I cause myself...that I've always caused myself and then promptly ignored as soon as it subsided.
Tonight was different. Tonight I thought about it. I asked, "Why this self-loathing. Is it baseless? Where does it come from? How long has it been here?"
I cannot answer these questions. But I have asked them, and now I can see myself a little clearer. I look at the abuse I've heaped upon myself. The numberless times I have doomed myself to failure. Maybe at this point the original motivation is secondary. I remember self-mutilation at 13. I remember later, trying so hard to help a friend overcome hers while I ignored my own.
I've made a decision. My new year's resolution this year is to keep my eyes open, and so I'm trying this: to stop the pursuit of those things which are meaningless AND can only hurt me. It's people, mostly. Lovers who see me as an experience, a temporary thing. Why not just be my friend? And why should I so willingly acquiesce? Why do I only find good, kind, loving people far from home? What's wrong with the ones in my own backyard? Why have I always cocked up good jobs? These things have led me here. I am 26, deep in debt, making only 14K a year, and very much dependent on the kindness of my predecessors to stabilize me while I attempt to correct my situation. I realize that up to now, my attempts have not been in earnest. Now they are.
I want financial independence. I want real love. I want a life. And no matter where these insanities sprung up from, I deserve these things.
And I'm finally taking real steps to build them for myself.
I may never understand. But now, I begin to know.
Tonight was different. Tonight I thought about it. I asked, "Why this self-loathing. Is it baseless? Where does it come from? How long has it been here?"
I cannot answer these questions. But I have asked them, and now I can see myself a little clearer. I look at the abuse I've heaped upon myself. The numberless times I have doomed myself to failure. Maybe at this point the original motivation is secondary. I remember self-mutilation at 13. I remember later, trying so hard to help a friend overcome hers while I ignored my own.
I've made a decision. My new year's resolution this year is to keep my eyes open, and so I'm trying this: to stop the pursuit of those things which are meaningless AND can only hurt me. It's people, mostly. Lovers who see me as an experience, a temporary thing. Why not just be my friend? And why should I so willingly acquiesce? Why do I only find good, kind, loving people far from home? What's wrong with the ones in my own backyard? Why have I always cocked up good jobs? These things have led me here. I am 26, deep in debt, making only 14K a year, and very much dependent on the kindness of my predecessors to stabilize me while I attempt to correct my situation. I realize that up to now, my attempts have not been in earnest. Now they are.
I want financial independence. I want real love. I want a life. And no matter where these insanities sprung up from, I deserve these things.
And I'm finally taking real steps to build them for myself.
I may never understand. But now, I begin to know.
