Suddenly, it hit me
Jan. 16th, 2007 02:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holly_evolvingLike a ton of bricks to the head. Normally, at this hour of the night, I'm thinking about something or other that completely depresses me and disposes me to hours of nightmares. I never confront myself about it. I just wallow in the pain and misery that I cause myself...that I've always caused myself and then promptly ignored as soon as it subsided.
Tonight was different. Tonight I thought about it. I asked, "Why this self-loathing. Is it baseless? Where does it come from? How long has it been here?"
I cannot answer these questions. But I have asked them, and now I can see myself a little clearer. I look at the abuse I've heaped upon myself. The numberless times I have doomed myself to failure. Maybe at this point the original motivation is secondary. I remember self-mutilation at 13. I remember later, trying so hard to help a friend overcome hers while I ignored my own.
I've made a decision. My new year's resolution this year is to keep my eyes open, and so I'm trying this: to stop the pursuit of those things which are meaningless AND can only hurt me. It's people, mostly. Lovers who see me as an experience, a temporary thing. Why not just be my friend? And why should I so willingly acquiesce? Why do I only find good, kind, loving people far from home? What's wrong with the ones in my own backyard? Why have I always cocked up good jobs? These things have led me here. I am 26, deep in debt, making only 14K a year, and very much dependent on the kindness of my predecessors to stabilize me while I attempt to correct my situation. I realize that up to now, my attempts have not been in earnest. Now they are.
I want financial independence. I want real love. I want a life. And no matter where these insanities sprung up from, I deserve these things.
And I'm finally taking real steps to build them for myself.
I may never understand. But now, I begin to know.
Tonight was different. Tonight I thought about it. I asked, "Why this self-loathing. Is it baseless? Where does it come from? How long has it been here?"
I cannot answer these questions. But I have asked them, and now I can see myself a little clearer. I look at the abuse I've heaped upon myself. The numberless times I have doomed myself to failure. Maybe at this point the original motivation is secondary. I remember self-mutilation at 13. I remember later, trying so hard to help a friend overcome hers while I ignored my own.
I've made a decision. My new year's resolution this year is to keep my eyes open, and so I'm trying this: to stop the pursuit of those things which are meaningless AND can only hurt me. It's people, mostly. Lovers who see me as an experience, a temporary thing. Why not just be my friend? And why should I so willingly acquiesce? Why do I only find good, kind, loving people far from home? What's wrong with the ones in my own backyard? Why have I always cocked up good jobs? These things have led me here. I am 26, deep in debt, making only 14K a year, and very much dependent on the kindness of my predecessors to stabilize me while I attempt to correct my situation. I realize that up to now, my attempts have not been in earnest. Now they are.
I want financial independence. I want real love. I want a life. And no matter where these insanities sprung up from, I deserve these things.
And I'm finally taking real steps to build them for myself.
I may never understand. But now, I begin to know.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 03:59 pm (UTC)Do not take this as insult, only as warning from my own experiences:
it has been MY experience that your attempts will not be truly earnest until you have successfully followed through with the attempt. that doesn't mean that you will always succeed but you will at least have gotten through the attempt fully.
also from my experience this is the point not when you will learn what you need to do but rather learn what you have to NOT do.
for example: i have learned to eat healthier. i eat more vege's in a month then i have eaten in any given year up till age 23. I also eat more natural stuff and better portion controls.
where i fail: i still have major slips and hit up mcdonalds or such for some seriously damaging meals. so in this example i'm half assing/self sabatoging my efforts.
Of course in other examples I'm thriving! like the club thing along with a few other endevors. I have recognized attempts to self sabotage. and i have corrected them/pushed through them.
remember: BE fair to yourself and others, and work smart. do what needs to be done to get the job done(and that is more then just business) You are the only one who can change your life. Now go get'em tiger;) I believe in you.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 05:47 pm (UTC)I would like to hang out again sometime soon. It's been too long!
no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 01:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-16 07:46 pm (UTC)Glad you are feeling better. I am feeling better, too. Peace is hard to come by, but lately it seems to be spreading itself around LJ-land.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 01:20 am (UTC)Never give in! To thine own self be true.
And if it causes pain, you probably don't want to do it.
;)