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Jun. 21st, 2004
Who were you, anyway?
Jun. 21st, 2004 11:59 am*she's standing on a hilltop, wind whipping through her hair. the notebook full of all the thoughts she wanted to share with him is clutched to her chest. she looks down at it, watches a tear or two blur the words he'll never read. the sun is setting livid and low; the sky high overhead is gray. she's a sketch in color pencil as she tears out the pages and lets them blow away on the wind. this is good-bye. she whispers, "oh, there you are," one last time, and walks home, crying.*
My heart hurts, and it's entirely my fault. I always take too long to say, "I'm sorry." Maybe admitting this will make me feel better. Whether it does or no, I had to.
My heart hurts, and it's entirely my fault. I always take too long to say, "I'm sorry." Maybe admitting this will make me feel better. Whether it does or no, I had to.
Realization
Jun. 21st, 2004 12:19 pmI went without crying for a long time in my life. It surprised the hell out of me when I realized how much I mention crying in my recent entries. Things that don't seem important still can be, and I've gotten good at not seeing at least this one. I guess I missed it because it's not coloring my life. It only touches me when I specifically think about it. Used to be, if I was sad in one part of my life, it bled through the whole thing. Am I becoming more or less human?
I cried one happy tear last night. One. Which is still far more than I'm used to. I understand so much now. I understand my brother. I understand why everything that hurts me has been necessary.
I want to make peace with everything, at least in my own heart. I want to come into this clean and free. I just hope it's not too late.
I cried one happy tear last night. One. Which is still far more than I'm used to. I understand so much now. I understand my brother. I understand why everything that hurts me has been necessary.
I want to make peace with everything, at least in my own heart. I want to come into this clean and free. I just hope it's not too late.
I really shouldn't read the Church of Rock boards anymore. I keep finding things that make me want to fight. I really hope what I read wasn't about me, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it was. Which would be ludicrous, as there was nothing relating to me anywhere earlier in the post. I'm letting paranoia rule, but if I can just get it out, maybe I can let it go.
That said, when I roleplay:
I usually play a character based on one of the many characters in my head. I act in order to exorcise my demons(the ones internal to me, not my friends)and to become people I could never be in the real world. These characters are not likely to have moral codes or emotional makeups even remotely similar to my own. I do NOT play myself. And here I think I just read someone who doesn't know me--has never met me out of character--criticize my ability to separate myself from my character...and in discussing an event that I was not present for!
Of course, it could just be me being paranoid. I have ceased, by and large, to trust Mystic Realms and anything connected to it. There are exceptions, and they appear in what some might call unlikely places, but they are there and they make sense to me. This does NOT stem from a reaction to the sex post; rather, it stems from the events that led up to the sex post in the first place. I am angry. I see a wrong thing that I am powerless to change. I see a world that I want to be a part of, at least behind the scenes, enjoyed by people that I do not like and do not wish to entertain. This is not all of them, but a vocal minority. MY enjoyment of Mystic Realms is in the planning and creation, not the execution. And now I am very tired of the people who benefit from my planning and my creating. There are the people I do it for and the people I don't do it for, and I have reached the point where the latter is louder in my heart than the former. It is time to stop. Mystic Realms has served its purpose in my life, and it's time for me to walk away. I've met everyone I needed to meet. I like as many people as I'm going to. This game and I were never more than the sort of friends girls have in high school, and now it's time for these friends to part.
*reaches inside and plucks a weed from her heart. throws it aside and keeps on walking.*
That said, when I roleplay:
I usually play a character based on one of the many characters in my head. I act in order to exorcise my demons(the ones internal to me, not my friends)and to become people I could never be in the real world. These characters are not likely to have moral codes or emotional makeups even remotely similar to my own. I do NOT play myself. And here I think I just read someone who doesn't know me--has never met me out of character--criticize my ability to separate myself from my character...and in discussing an event that I was not present for!
Of course, it could just be me being paranoid. I have ceased, by and large, to trust Mystic Realms and anything connected to it. There are exceptions, and they appear in what some might call unlikely places, but they are there and they make sense to me. This does NOT stem from a reaction to the sex post; rather, it stems from the events that led up to the sex post in the first place. I am angry. I see a wrong thing that I am powerless to change. I see a world that I want to be a part of, at least behind the scenes, enjoyed by people that I do not like and do not wish to entertain. This is not all of them, but a vocal minority. MY enjoyment of Mystic Realms is in the planning and creation, not the execution. And now I am very tired of the people who benefit from my planning and my creating. There are the people I do it for and the people I don't do it for, and I have reached the point where the latter is louder in my heart than the former. It is time to stop. Mystic Realms has served its purpose in my life, and it's time for me to walk away. I've met everyone I needed to meet. I like as many people as I'm going to. This game and I were never more than the sort of friends girls have in high school, and now it's time for these friends to part.
*reaches inside and plucks a weed from her heart. throws it aside and keeps on walking.*
Reading through LJs...there can never be peace among the people I care about, can there? Even if I caught myself before I ever said anything stupid, they'd still go after each other.
Looking forward to my life offline, where I live in one small, happy community (largely because I maintain my neutrality). Anyone who wants to is welcome to visit my real life...just remember to check your baggage outside Passaic County. I have enough of my own to sort through.
Looking forward to my life offline, where I live in one small, happy community (largely because I maintain my neutrality). Anyone who wants to is welcome to visit my real life...just remember to check your baggage outside Passaic County. I have enough of my own to sort through.
(no subject)
Jun. 21st, 2004 04:38 pmHooray for mindless busy work helping me calm down!!! Off to see one hippie cowboy.
*twirls*
*twirls*
Astounding
Jun. 21st, 2004 10:05 pmSo, Craig and I had a talk today. And I told him the worst thing I'd ever done. And he said "that's so wrong." And then he said "I'm sorry you have to go through this." And "I care too much about you not to worry." And he just had to have a kiss before he went up to see his boss just now.
It's ok! I'm ok!
*twirls*
No one can fuck this up for me now but me, and I'll do my damndest not to!
whee!
It's ok! I'm ok!
*twirls*
No one can fuck this up for me now but me, and I'll do my damndest not to!
whee!