(no subject)
Oct. 24th, 2006 01:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holly_evolvingWell, my brother wants $400 a month if I'm going to stay with him. I can keep my stuff there for free, though.
So yes, Erin, I will be at Dunkin tomorrow night around 10:30.
Renting a U-Haul probably is the best thing. I just have to figure out when. I work Fridays and Saturdays.
I spoke to an attorney today. They're sending a formal letter, just to put it in writing that as long as Carol doesn't touch my things, no action will be taken. But if she does, it will. That way, we all know the rules. I called Craig and told him and of course he was angry. I could hear it. But I don't trust her. If he had understood my side, I'd know that the letter was just a formality. But he didn't, so I know I need it.
No one wants to remember what I feel like--I don't blame them. Everyone's been here, or will be here, at some point. But if it's not happening to you, right now, you don't remember. I had him, it, the thing, the one, the love of my life. And I lost it all in this one horrible moment. I did everything I could think of and nothing worked. He's gone. Anywhere I go now, he won't be there. And if I do see him, he won't hold me and kiss me. I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up but I won't. He won't tell me it's all been a terrible mistake.
And yes I KNOW it will get better and I'll move on and everything will be all right again someday. But right now it's just NOT and nothing anyone says can do what I really need which is just to make this pain stop. No one can do that for me.
I feel dead. And every night, when I try to sleep, he's not there beside me. I miss him snoring and rolling over on me.
This just hurts so much.
So yes, Erin, I will be at Dunkin tomorrow night around 10:30.
Renting a U-Haul probably is the best thing. I just have to figure out when. I work Fridays and Saturdays.
I spoke to an attorney today. They're sending a formal letter, just to put it in writing that as long as Carol doesn't touch my things, no action will be taken. But if she does, it will. That way, we all know the rules. I called Craig and told him and of course he was angry. I could hear it. But I don't trust her. If he had understood my side, I'd know that the letter was just a formality. But he didn't, so I know I need it.
No one wants to remember what I feel like--I don't blame them. Everyone's been here, or will be here, at some point. But if it's not happening to you, right now, you don't remember. I had him, it, the thing, the one, the love of my life. And I lost it all in this one horrible moment. I did everything I could think of and nothing worked. He's gone. Anywhere I go now, he won't be there. And if I do see him, he won't hold me and kiss me. I keep feeling like I'm going to wake up but I won't. He won't tell me it's all been a terrible mistake.
And yes I KNOW it will get better and I'll move on and everything will be all right again someday. But right now it's just NOT and nothing anyone says can do what I really need which is just to make this pain stop. No one can do that for me.
I feel dead. And every night, when I try to sleep, he's not there beside me. I miss him snoring and rolling over on me.
This just hurts so much.
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-24 06:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-24 10:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-24 12:37 pm (UTC)Protect yourself, and it's okay to crawl into a corner and nurse your wounds for a time. Circle the wagons, and take strength from your friends.
And get angry. Anger will make you feel more in control.
Trust me. I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from, and still remember the awesome ache.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-24 01:47 pm (UTC)You know what I've been going through. those few friends at rutgers I chose to tell everything about are pissed at me because I've been hurting, and they hate seeing people hurting so they hate me for hurting.
It's grief. It's pain and grief, and because no one actually died, people are telling you that it isn't grief, but it is. Someone you cared for very much is effectively gone. a part of your life is gone. Things that used to make you happy just remind you of the loss and it hurts. And there is no good way around it, you have to go through it, and people have to allow you to go through it. People want to give you magic words like "get over it" and "get back on the horse" and other bullshit that is supposed to make it all right instantly. But what you had was real, and now it is gone. And now you have to face the pain and go through it, and people have to let you experience the pain and go through it. The pain won't just stop. You have to feel it for a while. Face it, and day by day, things will get easier. sometimes when things are going well, you will have a bad day, and think you are relapsing, but you will begin to pick yourself up again. that's how it goes.
You have grown a lot since I first met you. You are a strong person. I can't tell you how to make the pain stop, all I can tell you is that I beleive you are strong enough to get through it.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-24 02:20 pm (UTC)