(no subject)

[holly_evolving]

Lindsay is not colicky. She has acid reflux. I cannot imagine the hell it is to be so tiny and feel such huge pain. She's not even three weeks old. But there are things that can be done for her now, and the older she gets, the more there will be to do. My mom will be getting an inclined sleep positioner for her sometime this week, which should help reduce the severity and number of bedtime episodes.

I'm driving a Chevy Malibu right now. I had no idea how inferior American cars really were. The car is shorter than the Maxima, but the cab is cavernous to the point that the rear view is distorted (what little there is). The wheel base is too narrow and the steering wheel is half the size of a Japanese car's. All the windows are tiny and the blind spots are very much increased. In order to look at the clock or the radio, I have to look down--taking my eyes off the road. I can't wait to get my car back.

March sucks. My car got wrecked. Some good friends lost someone very important to them. My father died on March 23. I hate March.



The only thing I ever wanted for myself was a child. Everyone has a career or an accomplishment that they want to achieve for him or herself. A child was mine. I want to be a mother.

And that will never happen. Sure, with the right medical care I could carry a child to term and deliver it, even with my semi-destroyed cervix. But every day I inch closer to the autoimmune disease that will nearly paralyze me in my thirties. It will be hard to walk. I won't be able to run, or dance, or lift a child.

I will never have the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; the only thing that ever caused me to value myself.

I am isolated up here, and I have no future.

Comments

[polyemtgirl.livejournal.com]

Small shitty world, my Mom died on 3/21. Just know that someone else will be feeling equally shitty as you on that day!

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I pretty much generally feel shitty about it. These things are supposed to get easier with time, but it's actually gotten harder.

[njemt-wedding.livejournal.com]

I feel you hun, I really do. How long has it been for you? It's only just been two years for me... It's so hard right now planning a wedding though and knowing that she wont be there...

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

One year. I used to talk to him about everything...he'd understand when no one else did. We were the same kind of crazy.

[wolf-nd-shadows.livejournal.com]

Loretta, you have a lot of talents to tap, and despite physical ailments, there is a lot you will still be able to do. you have a unique mind, you can find a way.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

But I can't do the one thing that matters to me. I can write, I can sing, I can make people happy, but I can't be a mother. So none of the rest matters.

[wolf-nd-shadows.livejournal.com]

hmmm, maybe more needs to be said than is appropriate for lj. give me a call some time ad we can chat

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[bliklostsoul.livejournal.com]

See, I read this, and first, want you to know I get absolutely NO joy from hearing about the pain you are going through.

The thing that hurts is that I know what kind of mother you WILL be. (I refuse to look at it in a negative light.) You do have an open and caring heart. You will shower your child with love, tenderness and guidance.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

If I get the chance.

Hey, I have some pictures of you and a shaggy black friend. I've been trying to get ahold of E-rock, but no success yet. Would you be comfortable bypassing him?

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

bliklostsoul posted a reply that was deleted to protect his contact information.

[alphafemale1.livejournal.com]

Is the physical ailment the only thing stopping you? Could you adopt? (I'm asking because the autoimmune disease sounds like it could prohibit that). And, remember, miracles happen. And medical science makes new breakthroughs every day.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

Autoimmune disease would prevent me from taking care of a child...it doesn't affect my ability to carry a baby or give birth, just everything thereafter.

I'm hoping, but I don't wait for miracles.

[beautyinblack.livejournal.com]

I know what you're feeling...you're able to accomplish anything else that comes your way..we can get married, have a good paying job, a mortgage, but ...to create something from our own flesh and blood...

We can't.

*hugs* It hurts to even think about it.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[unkyjar.livejournal.com]

Don't you EVER give up on things. Stephen Hawking was supposed to wither away and die in his early thirties, and he had a dream that he was going to be hanged. It was during this dream the he thought to himself that he didn't want to die, that he still had things to do. And so, armed with this new grit and determination he began work on the first of many milestone theoretical achievements which make him a legend in his own time. Supposed to die in his early thirties, he's now 64 and still making invaluable contributions to this world. I believe that you can do the same. The difference between a smart person and a genius isn't IQ points, it's that the genius doesn't realise that what he's trying to do is impossible, so he succeeds.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

Ok. As long as there's a cure.

I don't think I have it in me to live Stephen Hawking's life, let alone to subject a child to it.

But I'm not ruling out a miracle; I'm just not expecting one.

[unkyjar.livejournal.com]

I like to believe that we can make our own miracles.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

I believe that hope and optimism will take you far, but I also believe in hedging your bets. Maybe there's a REASON I can't be a mother...it would be pretty irresponsible of me to pass on such crappy DNA.

[jenn-girl.livejournal.com]

acid reflux is pretty easily treated once they find it. She will feel better and should gain weight better. also, big hugs to you about theparenting thing. I was ready to be a mom. Life happened and I am not now. I hope someday I will be again.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my mom has had the chance to see them since the diagnosis, and she seems to be doing better already. Yay pediatric gastrointestinal medicine!