(no subject)

[holly_evolving]

I used to feel magical. You know, really feel it, like I was special--meant for something. I want that back. I'm sick of living one day at a time, but I just can't see the future anymore. I need a plan. I need something to accomplish. Survival just isn't enough to keep me occupied. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. I've just come from that place--the one where I need all of my faculties just to stay alive--and no one should have to be there. But somehow, life was better when it was harder. I feel like, ok, I'm alive, I made it. Now what? I lost all my illusions, which is healthy. But did my dreams have to go with them?


the worst is that i know i'm right
i shouldn't have to accept this life
i'm meant for more
for better
and this ordinary place is
wasting my time
taking up my space
i don't need to go through the motions
i already know what's important
i've already found myself
but i can do nothing with this knowledge
i sit and i rot and i get sick of waiting
i need a sign
a guide
i need to know the way
i've got no one to show me
i'm growing old and sick and weak
in this cage
i can't pretend anymore
i can't accept this lie
i've got to get out but i can't see the way
there's so much under the surface
i am more than this life
this illness
i've got music and beauty and
dammit i have a soul
and it sees and it knows and it hurts
i'm not lost
i know where i am
and that's the problem