(no subject)

[holly_evolving]

4th of July was a thorough let-down. Although, at this hour of the morning, anything but sex would be, and Craig's sleeping.

I think I've earned the right to drop the optimist facade. I am bored, tired, and depressed.

Rrr. Hate.


I've been quietly angry and bitter for so long that now I don't know how to let it go. I know I would feel so much better--lighter--if I could drop it, but the way is lost to me. I let my light go out, and I don't know what lit it to begin with. I'm nothing anymore but rage, cynicism, sarcasm, and bitterness. There was a time when the love in my life filled the hole in my heart. Now it seems the hole has returned and taken over every space that love can't fix. I am not who I was. I am not who I am. I feel inhuman. I want my dreams back. I want to be able to take one crushing disappointment after another and keep on smiling again...God knows, they aren't going to stop coming. I want expectations and courage. I want to care. But it's all gone. All my castles in the air have crumbled, and I am left with a pile of rubble. It landed on me. They were fucking big castles. Not a damn goal left. I don't want to fight. I don't care. Yes, Virginia, the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. It hit me a long time ago and I just fucking noticed.

This has not been submitted for approval. This is naked, ugly, bleeding truth. My heart is a scar.

Comments

[wolf-nd-shadows.livejournal.com]

"Why do we fall, Bruce?"

Give me a call, I personally need to get into a sobby bitch session myself.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

And it turns out someone needs to work out issues with me---someone I really really really want to talk to and work everything out with---and some meddling jerk steps in and tells them not to bother. I'll tell you all about it.

[holly-evolving.livejournal.com]

That was a good night. I still remember pretending to be Danny Zucko. Turns out, the guy who DJ's that stuff is my mom's boyfriend's brother.