holly_evolving | (no subject) (Reply)

Went down to Neptune today to see the Circle kiddies...nice time. Good food, good friends. I miss them. Met a new addition to the group, Matt. Had a lot of fun and got to be in a room full of people who love each other...but Craig wasn't there, so things were a bit gray nonetheless.

I guess it's a holdover from sadder times, but I have a lot of trouble feeling ok when --- maybe if I give an example ---

I got to see Craig this morning. We fell asleep together Saturday night, and woke up together around 9-ish. I always sleep better when I'm with him. I never knew what deep sleep was, or how it felt to wake up completely rested, until I slept beside him. I stopped home around 10:30 to change and then ran out to pick up some lunch for us. Craig said he was staying home today (he works Sun-Thurs). But then when I got back to his house, he said he'd spoken to his mom and she'd advised him that since he'd missed a bunch of Sundays, it would be a good idea for him to go in for a little while. Sigh. This is true, but responsible adulthood often interferes with the little happinesses of life. So we spend some time together and then I go home so he can go to work. Then Eric calls and chats with me a bit and we discuss the thing's he's going through (side note: I'd like to talk with Shannon too, but I have to wait for her to call me. And I doubt she's emotionally ready to talk yet.) and he tells me about dinner at his place. So I call Craig and it sounds like he'll be at work for a while yet, so I head down to Neptune. Craig was just sick and tired, but I couldn't help feeling like he was upset that I was going out. A holdover from sadder times. I went, because I love and miss my friends from the Circle, and because I can't give in to an unfounded feeling like that. I called Craig again around 9 when I was about a half an hour from home. And he was already in bed and almost asleep. I'd missed him coming home from work. The holdover issue again: I've been sad ever since and I can't help expecting him to be upset with me for going out and seeing my friends when he couldn't hang out with me in the first place. I've had too many possessive lovers and I've had that mentality ground into me for so long --- it's hard work to keep that kind of crap from tainting a relationship. I don't expect any longterm effects from it. I'm just very sad as a result. Bad memories + missing Craig + not wanting to go in to work in the morning.

Time to try to sleep.