Ohana

Another Wicked Faire has come and gone. I didn't do everything I intended to do, but since I always overschedule myself, I'm okay with that.

I'm cold and exhausted, and those things are definitely going to impact my mood today. STILL! I had an exhausted night last night and managed not to have a breakdown. I hope this is because I'm learning to see the warning signs in advance. I'm not just aimlessly crazy - there is a logic that I can follow to take care of myself, and it works.

Steve and I went facebook-official. I was afraid to share it - afraid that there would be CONSEQUENCES of a dire nature. And maybe there will be, at that. Maybe people will be hurt and angry. But hiding who I am is bad for me. I have to take better care of myself, and I have to be honest about who I am and where I am in order to do that.

I love Steve. And I still don't know how I can be so lucky, but he loves me.

I've fucked up my life over and over again, and every time, I think, this is it. I can't possibly have another chance after this.

And yet, here I am.

I tell people that I wiped and rerolled. New job, new home, new relationship. We laugh like it's funny and cute that my life has another plot point. But it's not a joke. This really happened.

I'm still not ready to sort through the things that brought me here. I'm still looking back over the things that happened to me when I was a kid, before even my parents' divorce. The cycle has been repeating for so long...

Weird thought
---Jay said I had one chance to tell him the truth. And I did. But I wonder, what would have happened if I didn't? What would the consequences have been? It was obvious that he knew the truth and just wanted to hear me say it. So, what then?---

I'm so beyond my second chance. Third, fourth, fifth, I don't even know anymore. I don't know why I've been given another. Hell, I still don't know why Steve forgave me for lying to him. But he did.

I needed to feel that I wasn't worthless. I needed to feel that I wasn't just a bad person who does bad things. I needed to feel that the things I liked weren't pointless. I needed to feel that I wasn't alone, that there was someone like me. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one who couldn't stand mundane, workday life. I needed to be forgiven. And there he was.

I almost never cry at night anymore. But when I do, he stays with me and stays awake. He thinks it's cute that I snore. He likes the Foo Fighters. He likes the goth club. And he never, ever hurts me.

I don't know where all this is going. I can't see that far ahead anymore. But I feel like I belong. My life is so tiny now, but it all makes sense.

Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten.
This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good.