I'm in a funk

I'm thinking of all the issues I need to go over with a therapist. Anxiety, depression, bad conditioning...things I can recognize, but can't seem to overcome by myself. I have the support of my friends, family, and incredible boyfriend to help me get through these things, but what I really want is to overcome them. I think regaining my confidence is key, but I can't think how to do that. Remember confident me? I do. I remember what life was like when I didn't stop to wonder if people wanted to hear me sing, I just sang because I wanted to. I remember not being afraid to talk to people. And I remember not being afraid to be alone.

See, that's the worst part, the part I really hate. I cannot, cannot feel secure in the idea that no, everyone in my life will not just up and leave me one day, no matter how hard I try to be extra good, and no matter how much that fear drives me to BE extra good. It is a self-repairing issue, though. I want to stop with the crazy so I don't drive people away, so as as soon as I can afford it I'm going to hunt down a therapist I can work with, deal with the crazy, and overcome this fear.

I really need to recondition myself so that happiness and anxiety are no longer in direct correlation...that is to say that right now, the happier I am, the more afraid I am of losing that happiness. It's a toxic mindset, and it's been the force behind my self-sabotage for a few years now.

I will not let this conquer me. I can see it now, and take steps to stop the chain reaction before it begins. That will do until I can do more. And I will correct this. It's only a matter of time.

May I use your minja?

more the engrish!

So I had this dream

That I was at a desert oasis...not a vacation type place, but a stop-and-get-water place. And they had these cabins set up that were wood on 3 sides, and the front wall was a curtain. And my neighbor was Johnny Depp. I was hanging out in this cinderblock, walled picnic area and I saw this white persian kitten. Actually she was white with cream point markings and blue eyes. And there was this massive air strike, but I managed to catch her and get clear of the falling rubble. So I went back to the cabin area and convinced Johnny to adopt her. And he says, "What should I call her?" And I said, "I'm not sure. It seems rather blasphemous to call her Sandy."

I've been wondering all day what caused this dream, since it really doesn't seem relevant to anything going on in my life at the moment. But it just hit me. I took NyQuil last night, and dextromethorphan makes me hallucinate in my sleep.