Wakeup Call

I'm learning a lot in my time with Jay. I was worried, when we first started spending time together, that a girl like me would tear him apart. I used to worry that a girl like me would tear any nice guy apart. But spending time with him, and realizing that I didn't want to give that part of myself to anyone else, helped me to see something important. I had never been a girl like me before.

That probably doesn't make much sense. Let me explain.

From the age of 18 to 27, I'd been living the poly lifestyle. Open relationships, partner sharing, the works. I was never really happy, but I chalked it up to not finding the right combination of people. Well, I've found that combination. It's me and Jay. That's it. I'm NOT poly. I thought I was. I still believe that the lifestyle can work for some people, but it never did for me. And now that I'm living monogamously, I understand why.

Now, this doesn't make me straight. I'm in love with Jay, but that doesn't negate the women I've loved, or how beautiful I think women are and how attractive I find them. But my sexual preference (which I've always referred to as "Yes") doesn't really matter to me anymore. I'm in love. It's with a guy. It's been with a girl in the past, and I'll never ever disrespect that memory, but that's over now. I'm not straight, I'm not gay, I'm not even really bi anymore. I want Jay. Jay and only Jay. His being male has nothing to do with it, beyond being a part of who he is.

I feel like I've been living in an alternate universe for the past nine years, and I've only recently come home.

It's good to be me.