So, once upon a time I started this LJ to deal with being torn. I was dating DJ but stuck on Fletch. I broke up with DJ after a long, heartfelt talk with Fletch in which he made it crystal clear that he and I were done for good. I wound up seeing Fred after, and getting serious with him much too soon. I was still stuck on Fletch. I tried to push myself to get over it, and I didn't. Then I developped a crush on Marc, which helped override, but not replace, my feelings for Fletch. Marc and I kissed. It didn't help. I tried to fight what was happening and do the right thing for Fred. Which was, of course, the worst thing I could have done, for him or for me. I couldn't confront how I felt.
Now, Fletch was not the source of this. My inability to be comfortable with the things he represents--security, stability, patience--was the source. Not that I couldn't have found it with DJ or Fred, we'll never know about that, but that I couldn't look for it. There was too much in my past that I wasn't dealing with. And diving from relationship to relationship was causing me to do and feel the same things over and over again. So I hurt people, one after the other.
I began to believe that I could only hurt people, that I wasn't capable of real love. And then I got myself good and fucked. I lost almost all my money, I had no job prospects, and nowhere to live. Fred and I were getting along after we broke up in January, but it was hard. I felt I had to be a hardassed bitch to him in order to keep things from getting confused. I couldn't stay there; the friendship we'd managed to form would have torn itself apart if, after all we'd been through, I had to depend on him.
Meanwhile, I'd been spending my time with friends, either just having fun or aggressively dealing with my problems. Jody, Marc, and Cliff were really huge helps there. A lot of others fell into the fun category, and there's text ad nauseum in my LJ about all that. I started to feel better. Time spent with Eric and Sion reminded me that I could be good to people. Returning to Markland meant I was surrounded by people who believed me good, kind...all the things I want to be.
Then Julie got me a job at U.S. Box. Do I like it? No. Am I grateful? Hell yes! I wish I could be happy here; Julie deserves that for the work she's done. Since I can't, I'm working to set up this new position to be one that can be walked into instead of reforged every time.
So I moved back to Hawthorne, tired, but healing.
And then I met Craig.
And that hole in my heart? The one that nothing could ever fill? It's gone.
To all the people who've been a part of my becoming who I am: thank you, or I'm sorry, or both. You got me ready for what I found that night, and I wish you could all be happy with me. I know that can't happen, and I know that's my fault. But if you read this, I wish nothing but good for all of you.
To Craig: I love you. And now you know how much it took to get me ready for that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
