Not good.

Mar. 3rd, 2009 02:59 am
holly_evolving: (puppy with cast)
I am so sick. I cannot afford to be sick. I don't get sick time. But this couldn't come while I was getting unemployment, no. It had to be now. Today is my one-month anniversary with my company, and I can't take a breath without coughing my head off. I'm pumped full of cough suppressants plus Albuterol and Nasonex, and does it matter? No. Because I'm one of the special few who get bronchitis with every cold. I've been coughing so hard and so long that every time I move, my head hurts more. All I want to do is sleep, but the urge to cough won't let me. And I can't take more albuterol for another half an hour. At 3:30 AM.

It stands to reason that work will be understanding of this, and not penalize me for the day that I took off to see a doctor and get my inhaler. But I don't know them that well, and maybe they won't be reasonable. I won't find out for a few more hours. They're perfectly within their rights to just swap me out--I'm only a temp, after all. It's happened before. And even if everything is fine, I've still lost a day's pay, which means I will probably have to borrow money. Again.

All I wanted to do tonight was stay on Jason's couch again, but I have to work. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how tired I am, I have to work.

I've had a few concussions in the past. It feels like I get a spike jammed into my skull every time I cough.
holly_evolving: (sad girl)
Edit: in the end, getting out of bed and farting around online did stave off the panic attack. The thoughts below, however, are still accurate.

In case anyone ever wondered about it, the long-distance thing sucks. I can't wait to not have all these miles between me and Jay. Especially at night. It is incredibly hard to fall asleep without him when I haven't had much to do during the day. If I could spend my nights with him, these stressed-out wakeful periods wouldn't happen to me. Going through this job search when I'm alone most of the day is absolute hell. I'm thinking about grad school, I'm terrified about the job market...and the one person I want to talk with about it is an hour away. Weekends are such a brief reprieve, they barely make a dent.

I know there are a lot of people who deal with much greater distances and longer periods apart. I'm not that strong. I've actually spent more time alone since this relationship began than I did when I was single. I'm not good at being alone; that's why I like having a roommate. I have horrible panic attacks when I'm alone, the kind that feel like they'll never end. I'm online right now pretty much to try to avoid my third attack this week. I know most people would say that I should learn to enjoy being alone. To those people I say a hearty "fuck you." It's one too many stressors right now. If I were employed, making ends meet, and knew what to expect from a GRE, maybe then it would be a good time.

Now is a terrible time for it. Things are very near to crashing down all around me. All of my bills are now late. I'm pretty sure that as long as they're paid by the 30th, I won't incur late fees. But my last due date was yesterday, and thanks to a glitch at my last job, I won't see a paycheck till next week. I won't see an unemployment check till next week, either. And since my apartment is freezing most of the time to try to keep the gas bill down, I have limited time every day to work on the samples project for my brother. So I won't have my 4 boxes done till probably Monday, which means I won't get paid on that till next week, either.

In short, I'm freaking out. The job market sucks and I'll be damn lucky if I land anything this month. And with the layoff and the way car stuff piled up on me, it's pretty safe to say that I am not lucky. Yeah, I have blessings. You can tell me to count them after you've tried it on the verge of a panic attack.

This didn't really help.
holly_evolving: (Default)
Oh yay, a panic attack. Surely this is what I needed to get my confidence back and stop feeling like a failure.



Jan. 12th, 2009 01:43 pm
holly_evolving: (B/W Sluagh)
Riverdale Municipal Court doesn't do payment plans, so I have to mail a check for $130.00 tomorrow. Never mind that the ticket (expired inspection) was issued the day I got laid off.

So, my theory is that the state unemployment board intentionally drags out payment of benefits as long as possible in the hope that the filer will get frustrated and give up.

Well, I'm frustrated but I haven't been hired yet.
holly_evolving: (Default)
1-Get pulled into roadside inspection station.
2-Fail for my ABS idiot light. Part will be at mechanic on Tuesday.
3-Get ticket for expired inspection. (expired 12/08)
4-Get laid off. (neither enough work nor money in the budget)

But hey, new userpic.
holly_evolving: (Default)
I'm thinking of all the issues I need to go over with a therapist. Anxiety, depression, bad conditioning...things I can recognize, but can't seem to overcome by myself. I have the support of my friends, family, and incredible boyfriend to help me get through these things, but what I really want is to overcome them. I think regaining my confidence is key, but I can't think how to do that. Remember confident me? I do. I remember what life was like when I didn't stop to wonder if people wanted to hear me sing, I just sang because I wanted to. I remember not being afraid to talk to people. And I remember not being afraid to be alone.

See, that's the worst part, the part I really hate. I cannot, cannot feel secure in the idea that no, everyone in my life will not just up and leave me one day, no matter how hard I try to be extra good, and no matter how much that fear drives me to BE extra good. It is a self-repairing issue, though. I want to stop with the crazy so I don't drive people away, so as as soon as I can afford it I'm going to hunt down a therapist I can work with, deal with the crazy, and overcome this fear.

I really need to recondition myself so that happiness and anxiety are no longer in direct correlation...that is to say that right now, the happier I am, the more afraid I am of losing that happiness. It's a toxic mindset, and it's been the force behind my self-sabotage for a few years now.

I will not let this conquer me. I can see it now, and take steps to stop the chain reaction before it begins. That will do until I can do more. And I will correct this. It's only a matter of time.
holly_evolving: (Default)
ABS idiot light came on in my car this morning. Hopefully it's just brake dust on the sensor, or low fluid or something...but what if it's not? Thousands of dollars in repairs, that's what. I really hate this car.
holly_evolving: (flap ugh bright)
There is a massive crack along the bottom of my windshield.

Shoot me.
holly_evolving: (B/W Sluagh)
Colposcopy set for January 7. Why couldn't they wait to tell me till the new year? Now I'm going to have this hanging over my head and be on the verge of a panic attack through Xmas. Maybe there's something more permanent they could do. It's not like I'm going to have kids.

Going to see Jason's family tonight. Got up early so I could shower and be all pretty.

Man, I did not need this right now.
holly_evolving: (sad girl)
If I were my cat, I wouldn't have to worry about the ice storm outside my window. I wouldn't have to get up for work in a little while, so the noise of it waking me up would be no big deal. And I wouldn't have a car with old windshield wiper blades and two old tires to worry about driving in it. Or hoping that by the time I get to my car, the ice will have melted off. And worrying that it won't. Or wondering where the money is going to come from to pay for new tires and wiper blades. My godmother sent me money as an early Xmas present--money that I used to pay rent, and bills, and buy food, gas, groceries, prescription cat food, birth control, and Xmas presents. So it's all gone, and all I bought myself was three books. And the sample project for my brother is taking forever because the cold and the dark of this time of year keep knocking me out and wearing me out, so I have to go to bed early or I don't have the energy for my day job. So there really is no clear sign of where this money is going to come from.

If I were my cat right now, I wouldn't have to worry about that.

If Jason was here in bed with me, his presence would have kept me from waking up and worrying about all this ice. And if I were my cat, my world would revolve around the lady who gives me food and keeps me safe, and I wouldn't miss him as painfully as I do right now.


Feb. 29th, 2008 04:38 pm
holly_evolving: (Default)
Everything worth doing today could have been done from home, which would have saved me 105 miles of driving. And now I feel too crappy and disappointed to do the one thing I really wanted to do today.

On the other hand, my temp agency may have come through for me with a job...we'll see, they just called to see if I wanted them to forward my resume over. Duh. Isn't that what they're for?

I'm being snarky. I'm disappointed and lonely. Fuck you if you don't like it.
holly_evolving: (Default)
Temping sucks.

Fuckin' pop.
holly_evolving: (Default)

Parents were met. Ruth, Mae, be glad you didn't come to see the Peek-a-Boo Revue. The acts leading up to them weren't any good, nor was the between-dance banter. And the mics were too low. Mudflap did wonderfully, and is officially my travelling partner.

And in a phenomenal act of generosity, I now own a computer. I don't even have words.

I do have a huge worry, but that will be addressed soon enough, for good or ill.

Oh god

Aug. 13th, 2007 11:12 am
holly_evolving: (Default)
I think I just found Bianca.


holly_evolving: (Default)

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