holly_evolving: (Default)
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/07/exclusive-interview-with-a-pirate/

From the article:

"Q: What was your job before you start this one or what forced you to become a pirate?

A: Every government in the world is off our coasts. What is left for us? Nine years ago everyone in this town was stable and earn[ed] enough income from fishing. Now there is nothing. We have no way to make a living. We had to defend ourselves. We became watchmen of our coasts and took up our duty to protect the country. Don’t call us pirates. We are protectors."

Beyond this statement is a clear discussion of the logistics of piracy, its methods and its reasons. These are not privateers who kill entire crews for cargos of gold and jewels, nor are they drunken swashbucklers.

What would you do if it was your country?
holly_evolving: (Default)
*begin nutshell*
Leafstone called me today. They want my updated resume, and they may have a receptionist gig in the works for me till I move. I'm not getting my hopes up, since they haven't yet performed for me at all, but hey. Any help is good. Meanwhile, I'm working on samples for my brother's business.

So I think I'm going to make eggs Benedict tomorrow. Have I ever made Hollandaise sauce? Why no, no I haven't. Nor have I separated an egg since the fifth grade. Let's see if it's like riding a bike for me.

Weight it dropping slowly, a few ounces a day overall. Good thing I like step aerobics.

Jay bought me new sneakers. He's so awesome.
*/nutshell*

Hope

Jan. 7th, 2009 08:17 pm
holly_evolving: (Default)
I have a job interview tomorrow, for a job I want.
holly_evolving: (Default)
I need to get two jobs this year: one for until July, and one from July onward. I'm moving to Flemington in July, hence the switch. I'm already working on losing weight and getting myself and my cat healthy. I'm already making important repairs on my car. I already know I want to get to a therapist and work on my issues; that's just a matter of health benefits.

So I don't need to resolve to change my life. My life is changing whether or not I'm ready for it.
holly_evolving: (Default)
I'm thinking of all the issues I need to go over with a therapist. Anxiety, depression, bad conditioning...things I can recognize, but can't seem to overcome by myself. I have the support of my friends, family, and incredible boyfriend to help me get through these things, but what I really want is to overcome them. I think regaining my confidence is key, but I can't think how to do that. Remember confident me? I do. I remember what life was like when I didn't stop to wonder if people wanted to hear me sing, I just sang because I wanted to. I remember not being afraid to talk to people. And I remember not being afraid to be alone.

See, that's the worst part, the part I really hate. I cannot, cannot feel secure in the idea that no, everyone in my life will not just up and leave me one day, no matter how hard I try to be extra good, and no matter how much that fear drives me to BE extra good. It is a self-repairing issue, though. I want to stop with the crazy so I don't drive people away, so as as soon as I can afford it I'm going to hunt down a therapist I can work with, deal with the crazy, and overcome this fear.

I really need to recondition myself so that happiness and anxiety are no longer in direct correlation...that is to say that right now, the happier I am, the more afraid I am of losing that happiness. It's a toxic mindset, and it's been the force behind my self-sabotage for a few years now.

I will not let this conquer me. I can see it now, and take steps to stop the chain reaction before it begins. That will do until I can do more. And I will correct this. It's only a matter of time.
holly_evolving: (sad girl)
If I were my cat, I wouldn't have to worry about the ice storm outside my window. I wouldn't have to get up for work in a little while, so the noise of it waking me up would be no big deal. And I wouldn't have a car with old windshield wiper blades and two old tires to worry about driving in it. Or hoping that by the time I get to my car, the ice will have melted off. And worrying that it won't. Or wondering where the money is going to come from to pay for new tires and wiper blades. My godmother sent me money as an early Xmas present--money that I used to pay rent, and bills, and buy food, gas, groceries, prescription cat food, birth control, and Xmas presents. So it's all gone, and all I bought myself was three books. And the sample project for my brother is taking forever because the cold and the dark of this time of year keep knocking me out and wearing me out, so I have to go to bed early or I don't have the energy for my day job. So there really is no clear sign of where this money is going to come from.

If I were my cat right now, I wouldn't have to worry about that.

If Jason was here in bed with me, his presence would have kept me from waking up and worrying about all this ice. And if I were my cat, my world would revolve around the lady who gives me food and keeps me safe, and I wouldn't miss him as painfully as I do right now.
holly_evolving: (Default)
Alive and well. New better job. Very tired. Happy.
holly_evolving: (Default)
The brush with romance is totally on the back burner, were it ever anywhere else. Not that that's so horrible. He and I are marvelous friends who had a good moment. Oddly enough, it has only strengthened our friendship. Even more oddly, it had nothing to do with the breakup. That was just a matter of my soul surviving. There are a whole lot of bitter, nasty, vicious people who might see my journal. It would be a crime if "Heath" were punished for our momentary lapse of decorum. It was never love. It was a wild, heady crush--something like the first few moments of being high. It left me able to tolerate "Chris" far longer than I could have otherwise. A kindness to Chris; a cruelty to me.

I am now unable to fall asleep unless I'm completely exhausted. Thursday night, I talked with Poogle till that struck. Friday night, with Chrispy. Tonight, there's no one, but I've got to get up at 9. My brother is being ordained a deacon, and by some insanity I've decided to show up and visit. I just hope no one asks me how I am. "Terrible, thanks, but it's Robert's day, not mine." No other way to see my niece, though.

Amazing how small everything that has gone before in my life seems now. I stand on the brink of disaster, and all I can count on is luck. My friends say "I don't want to take sides." Best of luck, my dears. Fred'll try and make you. He said, "You have a history of thinking your exes are insane." Well, yes, the last two. Fred tried to force me to stab him with an 18-inch dagger, and DJ said he wanted to run me over with his car. Sounds crazy to me! The others, and there are a fair number, all were quiet things. There will be no more for a long time. Till July 31, 2004. Julie says I should drop sex altogether. It sounded ludicrous to me at first, but from certain points of view it's just another stress factor. Best not to seek it, I suppose, although what I'll do if it finds me I don't know anymore. After the HPV scare, I'm not exactly looking forward to conquering new territory. And the old ones have...well...grown old.

I must be getting a little better. My thoughts are wandering, which they haven't since Friday afternoon when I got the news that Fred was coming back. Although rage is still always quite near the surface, it's nice that I can skim along for a short while at least.

The thing to do now is to hope I can phonepay my storage unit once daylight hits. I'll be canceling storage on the 31st and the bastard can have the lock and key. I never should have bailed him out. Never should have taken him in. Never should have loved him. Love has a habit of making me sick. I'll be glad to be quit of it for a while, and grateful to any friends who stop me should I seem to be falling in. "One day at a time," my father says. But his demon was alcohol, not love. I've managed to avoid it for 23 years, but now at last I have to learn to love myself. Best of luck to me!

Platypus
holly_evolving: (Default)
So now the quest begins. With any luck, I'll be able to take Tuesday off and hunt for a place. With more luck, I'll find one I can sign for immediately and move into on Saturday. Should I be able to afford it, that is.

Remember kids, sharing ruins lives.

Platypus

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